The trail of sex toys he left in his wake did in Arthur Ray Brown. Police in Silverdale, Wash., say that’s how they tracked the 24-year-old man riding his bicycle away from the local Lovers adult store after he returned to scene of his alleged crime of passion. Brown is charged with shoplifting a store mannequin (the top half, anyway), then returning that night to smash a window to steal lingerie for his new steady, along with other items. It seemed like the perfect crime: The thief was wearing the mannequin’s wig during the second raid. “I guess he couldn’t get the real thing,” said customer Jessica Harris.
Jesus Christ man, pump the brakes. Like I get stealing a mannequin girlfriend, that’s kind of cool, not my cup of tea but I understand it. Mannequin girlfriends don’t complain, they don’t have their period, they don’t bitch at you when you’ve had a few too many beers and lost all your money gambling. They let you use all their holes without having to beg or take them out to dinner. Overall a pretty good deal. But let’s slow down on going back to the store a second time to steal sexy lingerie. A working set of mannequin legs? Sure. But gifts and presents after 1 day of knowing your mannequin girlfriend? That’s just trying WAY too hard. Maybe fire off a few rounds, get that horny level down just a bit before you start wearing wigs and smashing windows trying to dress up your new mannequin girlfriend in a french maid outfit. Jerking off to clear your head isn’t a bad thing bro, everyone does it, otherwise we’d all be running around trying to fuck each other’s mannequin girlfriends, complete lawlessness.
“Why would you steal a mannequin, just go get the real thing”
Thanks Jessica. Shot in the dark here, and forgive me if I’m wrong, but if you’re stealing mannequins and leaving a trail of sex toys in public, odds are you’re not exactly a social butterfly.