(TMZ) — Aaron Hernandez — who’s serving a life sentence for murder — begins his letter on the attack, ripping the woman for criticizing him in her last correspondence … and suggesting ways she should kill herself. “Tie a cinderblock to your ankles and jump in a deep body of water,” Hernandez writes. He then suggests, “Buy the most powerful firecracker in the world that’s possible to buy, tie it to your face with duct tape, light it and wait for your head to explode.” Hernandez then changes subjects and goes off about his former team — saying: “I have a TV in my cell! And yes I still root for my squad and still love all the ones I loved. The closest I was with was probably Brady and whom I love to death and always will and only hope the best for them. But was cool with Julez, Branch (I f**ked with and got mad love for) and ‘the BEST TE ever to walk on a football field’ Gronk!” Hernandez moves from love to hate … ripping into “fake ass non loyal Kraft who told me he loved me every time he seen me but obviously shows his word ain’t sh*t.” Hernandez says no matter what happens to him in prison, he’ll continue to support his boys. “I watch every game faithfully cheering them on and always will cuz I have love for so many of them!”
I don’t give a god-damn about Aaron Hernandez (here is where idiots will yell, “Well you’re blogging about him!” We talk about the news. When the Globe and every sports blog are talking about something, we have to as well). I am, however, impressed with the ferocity in which Hernandez encourages suicide, “Kill yourself” is one thing, “Buy the most powerful firecracker in the world that’s possible to buy, tie it to your face with duct tape, light it and wait for your head to explode” is a whole ‘nother. Really, really impressive and hysterically detailed instructions there.
But what I really want to know is how much is TMZ paying for these letters? Seems like they “leak” a new one every month. Is this something I can get on board with? Will they be paying forever? Could I turn it into my retirement plan? That’s how I’m going to get rich, I think. Start writing Aaron Hernandez every day then sell his worthless letter to the tabloids. Dear Aaron, please reply to this with mundane facts about your day to day life. What’s prison like, does it stink? How about football, do you miss it? Also, are you ready to admit you murdered all those people? That would result in a big cash winfall for me. Gossip sites would be killing each other (lol) for the rights to that letter. Look forward to hearing back from you and getting rich. Sincerely, Not John Feitelberg. Bam. Write that thing every day and I’m a millionaire by 2016. The internet loves shaming Hollywood for giving roles to white people, defending Cam Newton against attacks that don’t exist, and any Aaron Hernandez update. That last one is my golden goose.