Some Guy Robbed A Dollar Store At Gun Point In The Name Of ISIS

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. – Two stores were evacuated in northeast Bakersfield after a man robbed a Dollar Tree. Police say it was just after 6 o’clock when a suspect armed with a black and silver semi-automatic handgun walked into the store demanding money. The suspect got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. The Lowes nearby was evacuated after the suspect ran off in that direction. The man is debcribed as a black or dark skin Hispanic male, stands about 5’9” and weighs around 150 pounds. Police and witnesses say he was wearing all black. Other witnesses told 23 ABC the man claimed he was robbing the store in the name of ISIS but police would not comment on those claims.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. What an embarrassment for ISIS. How pissed do you think the guys at ISIS HQ are right now? They gotta be furious with this news. You can’t have every Tom, Dick and Harry yelling, “THIS IS FOR ISIS!” every time they stick up a Mom and Pop store. ISIS only wants to claim responsibility when something really really awful happens. That’s the stuff that ups their terrorist credit score. It’s like back when al Qaeda were the big swinging dick terrorists on the block and they’d claim responsibility for every suicide bombing that happened even if it wasn’t them because why not?  It made them look even crazier and more scary and they didn’t actually have to do anything. Except the opposite is happening with ISIS when a guy robs a dollar store at gun point and claims to be part of ISIS. It makes them look like petty thieves instead of the terrorist masterminds they claim to be. This might be the way we defeat ISIS.  Tell all of our small time criminals to claim ISIS whenever they commit a small time crime. That’ll drive ISIS nuts. Hey, the criminals are gonna commit crimes anyway. Why not do some good and help defeat ISIS while they’re at it? I think they’d be down. At the end of the day, we’re all Americans.