Looks Like We've Got A Phantom Shitter On The Loose In Lower Merion

Well well well. How the tables have turned. People from the Main Line love to act like their shit don’t stink (pun obviously intended). They love to look down upon the residents of Delco, like myself, as if we’re garbage human beings who can’t read good and are a bunch of low-life scumbags. They like to act as if the Main Line is this pristine pocket of America reserved for only the most wealthy and sophisticated of people. And here they are having to deal with a Phantom Shitter on their hands. And it’s glorious.

Gotta be honest here, I didn’t even know that people still went to libraries anymore. I’d figure that shitting in a library is the same thing as shitting in the woods. At this point, libraries are pretty much just for old people who don’t know how to internet and perverts who want to jerk off at a public computer. Can’t really see anybody else willingly step into a library in 2016. So you’d figure that Walt Shitman over here thought that this would be the perfect crime. You’d figure that Edgar Allan Poo can drop a deuce in the middle of the library and nobody would be around to bat an eye at it. If anything, The Great Shatsby did the Lower Merion Library a favor because now they’re the center of attention. As the old saying goes, no press is bad press. I just hope there’s a happy ending to this story.

P.S. – I’m very interested in the motive here. I mean this couldn’t have just been a random act of terror. My best assumption would be that he racked up a few dollars in late fees that he wasn’t pleased about. But I need answers and I need them right away.