Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Guide – The “Finally, An Honorable Death For Chelsea” Edition
Sam’s Soccer ex-Stravaganza!
Hello haters,
Wait, how could Chelsea die if they are already dead? We’ll get to that later.
First though, let’s take just a moment to sit back and appreciate how interesting this season is shaping up to be in the EPL. Unlike last year when the aforementioned Blues had all but wrapped up the crown by right about now, the league has a legitimate title race on its hands with two main contenders, two longshots and one stalking horse.
What’s more, the list of clubs vying for a spot in Europe (aka, Champions and Europa League for n00bs) next season is about twice as long this time round, which should keep things more interesting for more clubs later in the season. Think of it this way: Everton and Watford sit in 12th and 13th at the moment, which would be a particularly disappointing finish for the Toffees (at it would for the Hornets considering how well they began the season), but if just won loss – not to mention ridiculous last gasp offside goals long after the finish whistle should have blown – had been a W, either club would be in 8th and within striking distance of 5th. So even though two of the three relegation spots are likely already spoken for, there is a good chance that the end of this season will be roughly a bajillion times more exciting than last year – which, granted, was the single lamest last few weeks (not to mention final day) in recent memory.
Anyway, lot’s going on and too many balls in the air with the transfer window still open to even begin to formulate a coherent analysis on where all the chips might fall, though you can be sure I’ll give it a way-too-early-shot as soon as the deadline has passed on February 1st.
Also, while this is an admittedly EPL-heavy blog, there are some fun things worth touching on happening elsewhere in the soccer universe, including:
– Barcelona has seen several of its star players sidelined for various portions of the last few months and yet has still managed to go 23 games without a loss. The Catalans are coming off a treble-winning season and have the potential to list three trophies yet again, including back-to-back Champions Leagues. That is, um, rully rully good. As in, historically good.
– Unfortunately nobody in Spain has been paying much attention to how many games Barça has done this or that because, apparently anyway, everybody in that country is really good at taking afternoon naps and really bad at math. Messi, Neymar, Iker Casillas, Xabi Alonso, David Villa, Samuel Eto’o and even Luis Figo’s old ass have recently been named as targets of various tax-related investigations (as well as a true lawn fairy, Rafa Nadal), and just this week Javier Mascherano was sentenced to a year in jail for tax evasion. [Note: I don’t know much but I do know that he won’t serve a single second of that.]
Dude shut down Arjen Robben while playing with a torn asshole. You think a year in the clink is gonna bother him?
– Speaking of torn assholes, Jurgen Klinsmann’s bowel movements were probably a little bloody this week after Benny Feilhaber ripped into him at MLS media day, essentially saying the USMNT coach’s selection policies were for shit. Yes, the rant was self-serving as Feilhaber is dying for a call up that appears not to be coming, and his frustration is understandable since he is now playing the best soccer of his life, so I love the fact he came out swinging like that. However, it’s hard to fault Klinsmann at this point for leaving a 31-year-old out of his plans when anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that the key to long-term success for the national team is cultivating the next generation of players. So basically I like both side of the “debate” but in the end its Klinsmann’s ship to run/sink.
Forgot to wear his haterblockers
– Finally, Jordan Morris tickled Jurgen Klinsmann’s balls for a couple days by heading overseas and training with Werder Bremen
Klinny’s wet dream
Ultimately though he chose to stay (errrrrrrr, return) home and sign a contract with the Seattle Sounders. This generated a ton of debate on Soccer Twitter, which is collectively DYING for the emergence of the USA’s first bonafide superstar. Here’s the sad truth though: as old as it makes me feel to say this, at 21 years old and having spent three years getting a college education (rather than eating, drinking and smoking nothing but soccer at an academy somewhere), the ship has already sailed on Morris being The One. Oh sure, he could potentially emerge as the next Clint Dempsey or even Landon Donovan, which is nothing to sneeze at and should still make him an anchor member of the USMNT for years to come, but the truly world class talents do not blossom this “late” in life. Cristiano Ronaldo was bought by United for £12 million in 2003 when he was 18 years old. Barcelona brought Messi in from Argentina at age 13. Making comparisons with the best players of our time is not fair to Morris, but the point is that people need to keep his true potential in mind before judging his decision to stay home.
Twins
Would his ceiling be a little higher had he been willing to stay in Germany? Yep, probably, but the kid wants to live in the US, which is tough to blame him for.
Also twins
Now on to this weekend’s games…
***********************************
ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
There were some FA Cup replays on Tuesday and Wednesday to keep our minds occupied this week, but here are the scores from last weekend:
– Everton is officially appointment television at this point. [Note: Terry’s 97th minute equalizer for Chelsea was long after the final whistle should have been blown and clearly offside, this is true, but sometimes good things happen to good people.]
– As if it was ever in doubt, West Ham’s annual second half fade has begun right on schedule (though credit to the Hammers for outkicking their coverage a bit in the first half, meaning their usual flirtation with the relegation zone seems a long shot at this point).
– In addition to West Ham, Watford is on the wane… whereas Newcastle and Southampton are clubs on the rise.
– Leicester’s loss to Tottenham in the FA Cup was the best thing that could have happened to the club. They are now out of all competitions other than the EPL and can focus all their efforts on consolidating what could be one of the most improbable campaigns in league history.
Thoughts on the loss, Claudio?
– Liverpool has a goal differential of (-3), as in they have scored three less goals than opponents. Anybody thinking they are in serious contention for a top 4 spot would be well advised to keep that in mind.
– Speaking of the Reds, United had no business beating them last weekend in a game that deserved to finish nil-nil. Nevertheless, good (enough) finish by Rooney and precisely the kind of result that might just leave people thinking, “Wait, how the fuck are they still on the fringe of the title race?” a couple months from now.
Advertisement
– Aston Villa’s most impressive performance was a home draw against a club a fraction of its size. Ummm, yay?
Heading into this weekend, here is how things stand:
As for the games coming up this weekend, here’s what we got…
***
PICKS OF THE WEEK
Don’t look now but your boy Sammy has been on a bit of a heater lately. And as the saying goes, “recent performance is by far the best predictor of near-future success”, so if there was ever a time to hop on board the #MoneyTrain, now is that moment. You have been advised.
As for this weekend’s main event…
Arsenal (+103)
Chelsea (+290)
Draw (+250)
Not counting a recent 3-0 spanking of a weakened Crystal Palace side, Chelsea has precisely ONE impressive win this entire season: a 2-0 triumph over Arsenal in a game that was turned on its head by a silly, stupid and rather questionable red card “earned” by Gabriel, who naively fell victim to the troll tactics of Diego Costa. (Santi Cazorla was also sent off later on.)
[[Non-sequitur, but love him or hate him, Costa is…
…a master troll.]]
But now back to Chelsea, which has been deader than dead for months. Lately the club has shown some signs of life here and there – no losses since mid-December ain’t nothing, after all. Does that mean they are “better”? Yes (especially on offense). But are they “good”? Nnnnnnnnnope (particularly on defense).
Add to that the fact that Arsenal is (a) better, (b) at home, (c) exceptionally motivated by their last meeting and (d) are reportedly getting Mesut Ozil and Lexi Sanchez back from injury. For me the question is thus not whether Chelsea will lose – but rather by how much. So despite the Blues’ deader than deadness, can we all agree that a five-goal loss would constitute dying yet another death? It doesn’t sound far-fetched if we‘re being honest. Nevertheless, I’ll rein it in a bit and say Arsenal wins 4-1. [Silver-lining for Blues’ fans: unlike your recent deaths at the hands of lower-half and mid-table clubs like Bournemouth and Liverpool, losing to the league leaders will finally be the type of death befitting a defending champ. Congrats!]
[Sidenote: IF… and it is a huuuuuuuuge if… on the other hand, Chelsea does somehow manage to scrounge even a point out of this, I would be willing to acknowledge they are officially on the road to recovery.]
***
West Ham (+410)
City (-150)
Draw (+285)
Arsenal vs Chelsea will inevitably get all the pub going into this weekend, but in terms of table positioning there is no better matchup than the 6th place Hammers welcoming 3rd place City to Upton Park. In truth those are some mighty long odds that the Bubble Blowers are getting, and there is the continued absence of Vincent Kompany to account for at the back, which has proven to be a major bugaboo. But City is about as well-rested as they have been all season, and Yaya Toure and Sergio Aguero anywhere near full strength should cause all sorts of problems for a West Ham defense that is a little in the air at the moment. City to win 3-1.
#pop
***
Other games:
• West Brom [+110] get their asses whupped in comprehensive fashion last weekend by Southampton while Aston Villa [+290] is coming off perhaps their best performance of the season, scrambling a 1-1 draw against mighty Leicester. The big question for the Baggies is where the goals are going to come from since Saido Berahino’s wandering eye will likely leave him on the bench and Victor Anichebe hasn’t been able to hit the broad side of a barn this season, let alone put one on — or god forbid in — goal. That leave’s it up to Salomon Rondon and Rowdy Rickie Lambert, or as I like to say “Just Salomon Rondon”, to get the job done. A big ask, but ain’t nobody get poor this season underestimating the Villans. West Brom to win 1-0.
• United [-115] is a club that has, perhaps more than any other club, done more with less so far this season, though the club is walking wounded right now with their midfield and especially defense ravaged by injuries. On Saturday, the Red Devils will host a slightly resurgent Southampton [+370] squad that could get a boost from Charlie Austin, who was finally prised away QPR, though I doubt the newly signed transfer will start. This one is a tough call given United’s frustrating form, but my hope (for them) is that LVG releases the hounds a bit and gives Rooney and Martial some more freedom to attack up front. I don’t love the odds but can’t help feeling like the hosts will yet again find a way to pull out an ugly one. United to win 2-1.
Advertisement
• Bright and early upset alert! Liverpool [-105] travel to Norwich [+320] in a game that strikes me as waaaaay more of a coin flip than what the bookies seem to be thinking. The Canaries have been pure shite on the road lately but at home have been a bit more formidable, and I simply am not sold on the attacking set up that Jurgen Klopp is going with (out of necessity to a certain extent) at the moment. A draw would not come as a big shock but the time for pussyfooting is over. I’m going balls deep on the home dog… Norwich to win 1-0.
Looks benign to me
*****************************************
REST OF EUROPE
La Liga: With Barcelona playing 12th place Malaga and Real Madrid facing 15th place Real Betis, the pressure is on league leaders Atletico Madrid as they host 7th place Sevilla on Sunday (10am ET).
Serie A: 2nd place Juventus host 5th place Roma on Sunday (2:45pm ET on beIN Sports) in a game in which both clubs – but the visitors especially – are desperate for all three points. Yeah, yeah, there is supposedly some football games on but whatever. Do yourself a favor and at least DVR it.
Bundesliga: 2nd place Dortmund head to 4th place Borussia Monchentheopeniswalcottgladbach on Saturday afternoon (12:30pm ET on FS2).
*****************************************
So there you have it, the best weekly soccer preview that Barstool will ever publish today. Got a little Capital One Cup action next midweek… I know, I know, try to contain your excitement.
Winning!
Holler,
Sam U.L. Army