Von Miller Got Diarrhea From Eating Mozzarella Sticks In A Movie Theater Like A Lunatic
ENGLEWOOD, Colo. – As if the Denver Broncos defense didn’t have enough to worry about this week as they prepared for Ben Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers, suddenly it encountered a new foe: mozzarella sticks. Star pass rusher Von Miller indulged in the delicious greasy snack while taking in a Tuesday night showing of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Midway through the show, his stomach started feeling funny, and wound up dozing off before the climax of the film. By Wednesday morning, it was clear he was too sick to practice, and coaches sent him home. “The Force struck back,” Miller quipped Thursday afternoon. A day later, and the toxins flushed from his body, Miller was back, and a full participant in practice. But memories of the meal remained. “You can’t put regular gas in a Ferrari,” Miller said. “I learned my lesson.”
I don’t know if there’s anything crazier than buying real food at a movie theater and anyone who decides to do so deserves whatever they have coming. Diarrhea, food poisoning, ebola, the little Alien thing eating it’s way out of your stomach, all of it. If you make the conscious decision to consume anything but junk food at an AMC then you deserve to be suspended for a football game, because you are a sick and twisted man. I don’t care if it’s pizza, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, or what. If it’s carb based and not served in a box or a bag then it simply should not be consumed in your lap in the dark.
But worry not, I’m not here to simply tell you what you’re not allowed to do. You want treats at the movies? Here’s your list of movie treats…
1. Popcorn
The classic. The gold standard. Even if you’re going to eat one handful you still need to buy it (and buy a large at the very minimum, you’re not a child or a rich white lady). The movies without popcorn is like a BBQ without cheeseburgers. Extra butter, please. Your body doesn’t gain weight when you eat food you can’t see, that’s how you trick it. Eat every meal in the dark and you’ll never gain a pound.
2. Bunchacrunch
You’re also required to get Buncha Crunch with your popcorn, it’s in The Constitution. It’s got film on the sides of the box, for goodness sake, laws don’t get any more clear than that. If the movies without popcorn is like a BBQ without cheeseburgers, then popcorn without Buncha Crunch is like a cheeseburger without ketchup. It adds a whole new and necessary element to the flavor. Sweet and salty, ever heard of it?
3. Sour Patch Kids
Guess what? Gotta get Sour Patch Kids too. What, you’re just gonna eat sweet and salty snacks the whole time? For two hours? Let’s not get ridiculous here, folks. You’re gonna want to cleanse that pallet with some nice sour. Perhaps mix in a few cavities but not really because you’re never gonna go to the dentist to find out. I haven’t had a cavity in 6 years, no why? Haven’t been to the dentist in 6 years. Boom. Perfect teeth.
4. Junior Mints
I don’t believe any new Junior Mints have been manufactured since the 1980s, they just sit in movie theaters waiting to be purchased. Nonetheless, they’re a staple snack. Bonus for freshening your breath before you hardcore makeout in the back row like a kid who sits at the popular table.
5. Coke Icee
I don’t even think they serve these things anywhere else. Perhaps they do at gas stations, but I don’t recall. So as far as I’m concerned, movies are the only spot. It’s like finding a treasure of your childhood. Not buying one would be spitting in the face of your youth. You don’t want to spit in the face of your youth, do you? Of course not, that would be disrespectful.
PS – How ’bout Miller saying you don’t put regular gas in a Ferrari? Alright, tough guy. Then leave the fucking mozzi sticks to us fatsos and go back to your kale.