NFL Wild Card Rewind - AFC

Chiefs 30, Texans

Saturday afternoon, Wild Card weekend, must be a shitty Texans game that becomes unwatchable in a matter of minutes. But first. ADORBZ!

Seriously though, never have I seen a team die quicker. There was still 59 minutes left but this was it. Kniles Davis with the easiest kick return of all time. Re-watching it I still expect there to be 3-4 guys waiting for him at the 50. Where the hell was everyone?

Have you ever sat and thought, “I wonder what a Brian Hoyer playoff performance would look like?”. Well wonder no more folks, we have some highlights!

All FIVE turnovers (yes Brian Hoyer had FIVE turnovers) in 6 seconds.

And the fans let him have it. Even though they were down 13-0 at halftime, with Brian Hoyer at the helm it felt like a thousand point deficit.

Seriously look at this stat line. Unbelievable. This was Jake Delhomme in the 09 playoffs type of performance. Mind numbingly awful.

My personal favorite highlight of the game? When the Texans had Alfred Blue break one to the goal line, then on first and goal they decided to run WILDCAT with JJ WATT! I’m guessing JJ calls his own plays at this point. So fucking dumb.

Oh and on the next play Brian Hoyer threw an interception, which isn’t really saying much because you could probably use the sentence “and on the next play Brian Hoyer threw an interception” and be right almost every time.

When all else fails. Get surgery.

And apologize, even though JJ is really just apologizing so that people tell him he shouldn’t apologize for anything.

Vintage JJ

And now, your sad Texans fans gallery.

This guy lieft it all out on the field with the receiver gloves.

Let’s quickly talk about the Chiefs. First playoff win since 1994. Defense looked awesome, Alex Smith looked great, and next week they get to finally prove to the world this 11 game winning streak wasn’t a fluke with a date against the Patriots. I honestly don’t know what to make of them. The NFL sucks outside of like 3-4 teams, are the Chiefs now one of those teams? I think they may be. Good news is we’ll find out in 6 days.

Andy Reid, the greatest.

This is like when I call Sunday my cheat day even though I’ve eaten like shit Monday through Saturday. Playoff win? Alright, just this once.

Steelers 18, Bengals 16

The craziest game of the weekend sucked for about 45 minutes. Well except for coaches pulling hair

And this Martavis Bryant touchdown catch halfway through the third quarter.

Unbelievable

So what happened? Well if you missed the first 3 quarters you didn’t miss much, then everything went haywire. It started with Big Ben getting his shoulder fucked up on a hit by Vontaze Burfict.

With some extra curricular activity because Vontaze Burfict is a scumbag.

Burfict has replaced Brandon Merriweather as the dumbest/dirtiest guy in the league. Just a total liability at all times. More on this later.

Bengals fans throwing shit at Big Ben. I’m sure this brought on a ton of “Keep it classy, Cincinnati” tweets which are the WORST. Fans are going to do fan things. It’s actually incredible more wasn’t thrown at him in such an emotionally charged atmosphere.

With Big Ben out, the Bengals mounted a comeback with a little AJ to AJ action.

So here is where it all fell apart. Bengals up 16-15, Landry Jones is in at quarterback and if they get one stop they win the game. And guess what? THEY DID!

Game over. Run the ball a couple of times, kick the field goal with barely any time left and get your first playoff victory in 3 decades right? Right? The Bungles….

Listen to that crowd, that’s a crowd that knows it’s all over, that’s a crowd that can smell death. And let me just say this, I’m not a big Marvin Lewis fan. I think he should be fired because he hasn’t won a playoff game and his team plays undisciplined football at the worst possible time. But people saying they should have kneeled the ball there are wrong. That’s playing to not lose, not playing to win. You play to win the game. Run the ball, make sure you don’t fumble (this is the important part), and try to get a single first down to finish the game. Fault Marvin Lewis for a million different things but don’t fault him for that.

So what next? Well….*GLASS SHATTERS*

Big Ben and his one arm are back, unable to throw the ball more than 10 yards a comeback still feels improvable but….Bungles again.

The idiotic Burfict penalty that will get called every single time.

AND on top of that, Pacman Jones getting penalized for yelling at Joey Porter, yes that Joey Porter, who inexplicably was on the field during all of this when he absolutely should not have been.

Which led to a chip shot field goal and meltdown complete. Bring on the aftermath.

Our T-Shirt guy and diehard Bengals fan.

And of course people burning jerseys and swearing they’ll never watch the Bengals again. You’ll be back, you’ll be back. Because sports are cruel and awful but own our lives.

I’m sorry Bengals fans. NFC coming up.