(Atlantic) — Two powerful figures in soccer were found guilty of ethics violations and banned from the sport for eight years on Monday. An independent ethics committee of FIFA, soccer’s international governing body, ruled that Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini are prohibited from taking part in any soccer-related activities. Blatter has served as president of FIFA since 1998, and Platini has headed UEFA, soccer’s governing body in Europe, since 2007. The soccer administrators were found guilty of breaches surrounding a $2 million payment of FIFA funds that Blatter made to Platini in 2011. The judges said that Blatter could not “demonstrate [a] legal basis” for the payment, and had failed “to place FIFA’s interests first and abstain from doing anything which could be contrary to FIFA’s interests,” according to the Associated Press. Platini, they said, “failed to act with complete credibility and integrity, showing unawareness of the importance of his duties and concomitant obligations and responsibilities.”
Gotta tip your cap to Sepp Blatter here. Yeah, I guess it didn’t work out so he just looks like an idiot, but I respect the attempt. See, everyone pictures Blatter as this evil and horrible man. Therefore, he’s gotta change the perception. He needs to rewrite the narrative. Best way to do that? Show up to your ethics committee hearing looking like some frail, old man. You don’t want people thinking of you as the villain who looks every bit like his name is Sepp Blatter and could fill in for a Bond film at a moment’s notice. No, you want them realizing that you’re just a sad fart who might die at any second. Go with the grizzled 5 o’clock shadow and pop a band-aid on your face to ensure that everyone thinks, “Awww… old people. I bet he cut himself shaving because his old hands were too shaky and he might fall down and break his hip at any second. I hope he has his Life Alert with him,” when they see you.
I mean, it’s all kinda worthless since he got banned for 8 years. But I still co-sign the idea.