Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Guide – The “Special Done” Edition

Sam's Army12/19/2015 12:57 AM

Sam’s Soccer ex-Stravaganza!

Hi haters,

Pretty much nothing happened in the world of soccer this week so might as well jump right to the picks… orrrrrrrrrrr there are almost too many things going on to pack into one post. But I’ll give it a shot.

***********************************

THE WEEK THAT WAS

First there was the EURO 2016 draw:

No point in going into much detail at this point since the teams haven’t even been set, but suffice to say that England and Ireland could not possibly have hoped for better and worse groups, respectively.

Next up was the draw for the first round of knockouts in the Champions League:

Here again, injuries and January transfers could change things dramatically between now and when the games will pick back up in mid-February, but here are a few thoughts…

The bad news:

A possible silver lining (as far as EPL retaining its fourth automatic UCL slot):

Arsenal and Chelsea got horrible draws, which for the Gooners is the risk you take when not winning your group and for the Blues is just another in a season of rather unfortunate occurrences, while City got about as favorable a matchup as it could have hoped for.

By the way, amazing draw for our boys Wolfy… check out their coach’s reaction to drawing a relative pipsqueak:

German elation

Then of course there was all the talk this week of stamping out US Soccer’s “immigration problem”.

For those who don’t know, Abby Wambach and then Landon Donovan each channelled their inner Donald this week by criticizing Jurgen Klinsmann’s recruitment of “foreigners” to play on the USMNT.

My reaction: Fuck. Off.

If Manuel Neuer, Thomas Muller, Mesut Ozil and Marco Reus were willing to become naturalized Americans then I say hand me some fucking sauerkraut and get those sonsabitches some passports on the double – whatever helps us win a damn World Cup in my lifetime. (But not Gotze, he can’t come. Anybody who thinks underwear can be swimsuits is probably part of ISIS.)

And finally, this:

A month ago I would have said no way it happens before the January transfer window, when Abramovich will no doubt sell an island or two and try to buy a whole new squad, and 10 days ago when Chelsea beat Porto to advance in the UCL it looked like the Special One might have earned a stay of execution. Losing to Lester though was the last straw. It almost seemed like Mourinho was basically asking to get fired when, immediately after Monday’s loss, he basically threw the players under the bus.

All in all, an unfortunate but seemingly necessary move by Chelsea, and the league will be slightly less “interesting” because of it, but you know what you are getting with Mourinho: one year of steady improvement, followed by one year of trophies, followed by a spectacular flame-out. Only a matter of time til the next club decides it’s worth the (admittedly very high) price of admission…

Keep my seat warm, homey

Everybody up to date? Good, GREAT, GRAND! Now on to this weekend’s action…

***********************************

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

A quick reminder of what happened last weekend:

Some news, notes and observations…

– Lester can’t stop winning. In fact, as a demonstration of respect for the ridiculous season they are having, I hereby pledge to start calling them Leicester in these blogs unless or until they fall back into the bottom half of the table. (Note: this courtesy will not be extended to twitter… what with the 140 character limit and whatnot.)

– Bournemouth beat United? GTFO. Wish somebody had predicted that.

– A little word of advice for any recently converted Tottenham fans: be careful. Right when you think the club may legitimately be good, that is the precise moment they turn around and kick you directly in the dick.

– Everton should have scored five goals against Norwich. Never seen a club hit the post as much as the Toffees have these last few weeks. That is the type of situation that a seasoned British coach would describe as “unlucky” – which is a tendency that I’ve never understood since it implies that the shots were struck precisely enough to go in but did not through some sort of magical misfortune. More like they just need to work on their finishing.

– Liverpool drew with West Brom at home and celebrated like they’d just won the title. (And yes, I’m just bitter because their impressive comeback coincided perfectly with when I was getting my dick stomped thanks to Newcastle’s inexplicable comeback.)

So despite how “crazy” and “insane” pundits are calling this season, one thing you’ll notice when looking at the league table is that it looks almost exactly how you would have expected it going into this season – with two glaring exceptions (and a slightly smaller one in Swansea):

As for the games coming up this weekend, here’s what we got…

***

PICKS OF THE WEEK

Arsenal (+130)
Man City (+200)
Draw (+260)

Game of the “weekend” is undoubtedly on Monday when the Gunners welcome Abu Dhabi City to the Emirates. This matchup will likely hinge on the fitness of a number of players who, at the moment, are listed as questionable. The possible absences of Lexi Sanchez and/or Sergio Aguero will likely prove particularly influential, though the definite absence of Vincent Kompany leaves a gaping hole in the center of the Sky Blues’ defense. With the Belgian CB in the side, I likely would have gone with City, but as it is I can’t help thinking this one will eventually be fought to a stalemate. Gimme a 2-2 draw.

Chelsea (-325)
Sunderland (+800)
Draw (+450)

Ever seen a dead cat bounce? Tune in on Saturday morning and you’ll see what it looks like. Chelsea to win 2-1.

#tbt

Other games:

• United [-210] is offensively retarded at the moment. Nothing a little Norwich [+610] defense shouldn’t be able to fix. United to win 3-1.

• Leicester [+250] has been making some people veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery rich this season – myself very much not included. Unfortunately for the Foxes they are going to be missing some important players this weekend, which (if you’ll recall) is going to be one of the bugaboos that eventually takes its toll on the club’s performance. And anyway, what would another weekend be without me picking against the little buggers. “Unlucky” Everton [+110] to win 3-2.

• Don’t look now but Newcastle [+100] may just have remembered how to play soccer. Aston Villa [+280], on the other hand, continues to look like a team that is dead inside. This could very well be a bit of a trap game for the home side, but anybody picking Villa at this point must hate money – plus the odds for Toon against a glorified Championship club are just too tasty to pass up. Newcastle to win 2-1.

Probably plays for Villa

*****************************************

BUNDESLIGA

Tame week in ze German league this weekend. Game of the weekend is likely on Sunday when 3rd place Hertha Berlin welcome 8th place Mainz to their place.

*****************************************

BEST OF THE REST

LA LIGA: Best game isn’t actually in Spain as Barrrrrthelona is playing in the “Club World Cup” over in Japan (about which the nicest thing I can say is that it should at least give the rest of the Spanish clubs that much better chance to catch the current leaders). Anyway, Balugrana play Argentine champions River Plate in the final on Sunday at 4:30am CT (on FOX Sports)… note the “AM” on the time.

SERIE A: 1st place Inter face Lazio, which has endured an awful start to the season and find themselves in 12th place at the moment, on Sunday (1:45pm CT on beIN Sports).

*****************************************

So there you have it: the best weekly soccer preview that Barstool will ever publish today. No mid-week games next week for the EPL as it prepares for a ridiculously busy holiday schedule that starts immediately after Christmas. Get pumped.