So in honor of our boy Martin Shkreli going to jail today for being a huge fraud, I thought I would put together a nice list of punchable faces. Top 10 I would like to hammer with my fist. Obviously this is subjective, I’m sure I missed a few good ones, but this is my list. Also a quick note, there is a big distinction in punch/slap. Like Bieber you would think would be a punchable face but he’s actually not. I’d love to just slap the fuck out of his face, not even give him the dignity of a punch. These people’s faces I want to punch.
10. Piers Morgan
I don’t even know if Piers Morgan is still out there doing whatever it is he used to do but I know I still want to punch that stupid English face.
9. Chip Kelly
I actually like Chip but his face just does it for me. Like a nice soft pillow, Chip’s face was meant to absorb a punch and there is zero percent chance you would hurt your hand when doing so. That face would eat your fist. Like watching a water balloon pop in slow motion. Need to punch the face, gotta have it.
Bonus points for Chip having that half smile thing, would love to even it out.
8. Dane Cook
I guess I can’t count and totally missed 8. Someone mentioned him below but Dane Cook is very very punchable.
7. Greg Paulus
All time punchable face. For my age group Greg Paulus was the punchable Duke guy. Forget Christian Laettner or Bobby Hurley or even later with Kyle Singler or this year with Grayson Allen, it will always be Greg Paulus. Just think about this for a second, Greg Paulus played with JJ Redick when JJ was a senior and Paulus was a freshman and Paulus was still the most hateable guy. Redick was at the height of his hate and Paulus somehow was the guy you wanted to punch right in the mouth. Probably a decent guy off the court though, but the second he slapped that floor, forget about it.
6. Dean Blandino
This one is partially face related and partially because NFL rules have become a joke to all football fans. Just thinking of the name Dean Blandino gets my blood boiling. Then you actually put the face to the name and it’s a good one.
Bonus when he rocks that awful goatee. Goatees are for fat bald guys, not guys with hair. If you’re a guy with good hair and you have a goatee I immediately want to punch you in the face for being a selfish asshole and stealing the only thing fat guys can do with their face.
While we’re here because I feel like they’re best friends, I wouldn’t mind punching Stephen Jones (Jerry Jones’ son) in the face. Just has that rich kid feel to him. nice long face, very punchable.
5. Phil Rivers
Like Chip, I got nothing against Phil Rivers, I actually am a fan, but tell me that’s not a face you wouldn’t want to pound? You can’t. Perfect suckhole for your fist.
4. Dave Portnoy
Like I said in my blog this morning, do not under any circumstance punch Dave in the face. Just don’t do it, it’s a bad idea, I forbid any of you from trying to punch him ever. Please, I beg you, don’t punch this face, don’t even think about sucker punching it, see that face, now look at your hand, then tell yourself NO, DO NOT!
Seriously guys, DON’T!
3. Scott Disick
I feel like Lord Disick almost invented the punchable face. Rich, cocky, surrounded by Kardashians, what a face I’d like to put my fist through.
2. Ted Cruz
I’m actually shocked that Ted Cruz hasn’t been punched yet. Just look at that thing, he’s practically begging us to punch him.
If his face could talk it would simply say “punch me square in the nose, I need it and you need it, DO IT!”
Man what a shitty face that guy has.
1. Martin Shkreli
I really don’t even have to say anything here, he’s the undisputed pound for pound greatest punchable face in the world. It’s not even close. That smile, that smarm, the money, he defines punchability. God made this face for one thing and one thing only, to be punched.