Starbucks Is Really Going All In On Being Anti-Christmas This Year



First we had the whole red cup “controversy” and now we have this.  Starbucks just slitting polar bears‘ throats in the name of keeping it religiously neutral.  Just a bunch of sick, ruthless fucks out there in Seattle.  Now do I hate that Coca Cola sometimes uses the polar bear on its cans during the holiday season instead of Santa?  Of course I do.  But I’m not down for graphic, albeit tasty bear murder.  Polar bears are a Top 5 bear.  It’s not their fault Coca Cola has made them into a pseudo Christmas figure.  I will be hitting Dunkin Donuts on Mondays for the next two months for my coffees anyway, since I’ll be getting 25 cent coffees as the Giants rattle off seven straight wins.

And just for the record, I am going to get my Dwight Schrute on and give my official bear rankings (broken into tiers):

Tier One

1. Panda Bear


Clearly the best bear on the planet.  Cute as hell, I love the way they eat bamboo and the whole endangered thing gives them a much more special feel.  I went to the San Diego Zoo a couple of years ago and decided to not wait on the two hour line to see the panda bears.  I have literally thought about and regretted that decision every day since.

Tier Two

2. Koala Bear


Basically the “Jimmy Graham during his Saints days” to the panda bear’s Rob Gronkowski.  Awesome and a clear number 2 pick.  But nowhere near as good as the number 1 option at its best.  And I don’t give a damn that koala bears are technically marsupials.  It’s Koala Bear, not Koala Marsupial and that is a scientific fact!

Tier Three

3. Polar Bear


Murdering machine that can survive in the coldest places on Earth = Street cred out the ass.  And while polar bears cannot compete with pandas and koalas on the cuteness scale, baby polar bears can compete with any animal on the planet when it comes to being adorable.


Seriously Starbucks, suck a dick for slitting polar bears’ throats on your cookies.

4. Grizzly Bear


Bad ass mamma jamma that is probably the first thing you think of when you hear the word “bear”.   Admittedly moved into Tier Three thanks to The Great Outdoors bear.

R.I.P. John Candy

Tier Four

5. American Black Bear

A black bear

Dime a dozen in the Northeast.  Well, not really.  But always seem to be the type of bear that is found in someone’s backyard in Jersey or Westchester.  Honestly probably wouldn’t have made the list if they weren’t named “American”.