The Fact That The Giants Would Be 10-2 If Games Ended With 75 Seconds Left In Regulation Just Makes Me Sad
I knew that this Giants season has been a special brand of torture, but I didn’t realize it was THAT excruciating. If Roger Goodell really cared about the players’ safety, he would shorten the games to 58 minutes and 45 seconds long. But since he clearly doesn’t, we are stuck in this 5-7 dilemma.
Obviously the first person to get blame for this is the head coach, who has had multiple brain boners this year. And yes, I would like to apologize for using the word boner while discussing Tom Coughlin. But anyway, clock management and play calling have been piss poor from the jump. And even just saying that is an insult to piss. In the past, Giants fans knew they had a quarterback with huge stones that could lead them down the field with less than two minutes left to win the game. But we also knew that we had a coach that would call timeouts at the right time, challenge the correct plays and be prepared to make the right decisions at the big moments. But this year has been the complete opposite for Coughlin, while Eli has made more than his share of mistakes during late-game situations. Usually the play clock is Eli’s worst enemy, but this season the game clock has become his biggest foil.
I mean I even started tweeting out which Home Alone trap eachGiants loss felt like, because they hurt so much. A quick breakdown:
Cowboys 27 Giants 26 = Nail going through the foot
The first loss of the season was likely the most painful loss. Ugly game, but the Giants somehow continued to lead with a chance to win. Kind of like how Marv keeps making it up the tarred stairs as he peeled off layers on his feet. And just when you thought the Giants had made it through all the muck, the nail goes through the foot (or Romo throws the game-winning TD to Witten) and we fall all the way back down the stairs. By the way, hearing the sound of the nail going through Marv’s foot still sends chills down my back.
Falcons 24 Giants 20 = Blowtorch to the head
Harry = The Giants defense. The blowtorch = Julio Jones. That’s all you need to know about that game.
Eagles 27 Giants 7 = Tar and feather
Not a heartbreaker by any means, but just an ugly, gross embarrassment. I will never understand how the Giants opening drive was their best drive of the season and then they didn’t know how to move the ball forward after Larry Donnell’s fumble (P.S. Fuck you, Larry Donnell).
Saints 52 Giants 49 = Rope cut
After surviving in the Giants’ personal house of horrors known as the Superdome, it looked like the GMen were finally going to take down the Saints. Nope. Just got the rope cut on them which led to a resounding thud against the wall and onto the ground. This one hurt way more than it looked to the outside because of how well Eli played.
Patriots 27 Giants 26 = Paint cans to the face
Thought the Giants had again outdueled the Pats after the ODB near-TD and then the Landon Collins near-INT. Nope. Paint can right to the goddamn face both times.
Redskins 20 Giants 14= Icy Stairs
Painful. Basic. Should have seen it coming. And almost still got up at the end. The crowbar to the end was Eli’s pick in the end zone because Rueben Randle doesn’t like running complete routes. Just the cherry on the top. And yes, fuck you Rueben Randle.
Jets 23 Giants 20 (OT)= Bricks to the face
I was going to save Home Alone 2 booby traps for the playoffs, but…you know. Oh no, I don’t mean the Giants are going to miss the playoffs! I mean because it was in New York against a New York team. Marv should be able to dodge a brick just like the Giants should be able to hold onto a 10-point lead at home. But here we are, with a fresh brick bruise on the face.
Luckily for us Giants fans, the NFC East is now the most competitive division in sports. And that’s not the words of someone being held hostage by Big Blue. Those are the words of the Worldwide Leader. #SpinZone
By the way, this was tweeted out after Week 3’s Giants-Redskins Thursday Night Football game and is still 100000% true.