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I Don't Care If Hoverboards Are Exploding, I Still Want One For Christmas

The Guardian- Instead of running to store shelves to snap up one of the most-hyped Christmas gifts of the year, shoppers were sent running at a Washington mall when a hoverboard exploded.  No one was harmed in the Tuesday morning incident, which sent shoppers scrambling away from a kiosk selling hoverboards, the self-balancing scooters that incidentally do not actually lift off the ground.

Hoverboards are one of the most-hyped gadgets of the year, but they are wreaking havoc across the United States.  A woman in Louisiana blamed the product for a fire that destroyed her home. A man in Alabama said his hoverboard caught fire while he was riding it in his neighborhood. And the incident in Washington has brought hoverboard explosions to the northwest.

Kelli Steiner recorded a video of the incident at the Outlet Collection mall in Auburn, Washington, near Seattle.  “For no reason, it just exploded,” Steiner told KIRO 7. “And not just a little fire, exploded. Like combusted, the whole thing.”


Call me crazy, but I would rather explode and be lit on fire with a new hoverboard than be the only one among my friends without one.  And to expand on that point, I would rather explode and be lit on fire with my new name brand hoverboard then have the cheap, off-brand hoverboard that was clearly a knockoff but didn’t light on fire.  That’s just how capitalism, Christmas, and friendship works.  But make no mistake about it, your hoverboard will explode if you get one.  You think these things were just invented now?  Back To The Future 2 came out decades ago.  This idea and technology has probably been around for years (even though they are fake ass hoverboards, not real deal floating hoverboards.  But I’m not here to split hairs right now).  Once J.R. Smith was spotted riding one of these goddamn things over the summer, the Internet exploded and there was no going back.  These companies probably had to rush them out for the holiday season, even if there was a 100% chance you will turn into The Human Torch on Christmas before the cookies are brought out for dessert.  (*Legal note: I have no actual proof you will definitely be lit on fire, but you definitely will be).

So to all the Stoolies that had “Hoverboard” on their Christmas List, don’t back down to stories like this.  Sure, you may want to wear flame retardant clothes whenever you ride said hoverboard.  But trust me, the pros of riding a hoverboard that may burn you alive far outweigh the cons of being the person without one.  I remember when I was young and everyone in my neighborhood got Huffy bikes for Christmas.  I got some random bike with a brand name I had never heard of.  Was it a better, more expensive bike than the mass-produced Huffy?  As it turns out, yeah.  But I still felt like the poor person of the neighborhood because those Huffy commercials were electric back in the day.


And the Huffy White Heat?  Simply the best bike name ever (even though looking back, that thing was an ABSOLUTE piece of shit).  Great work by Huffy’s marketing team, though.