Biggest Pet Peeves About Marathoners
(I hate when marathoners shit themselves)
Do I publish this article every Marathon Day? Yes I do. Listen it’s tough for anybody to argue that Patriots Day isn’t a great day in this city. After all, we get an early Red Sox game, lots of people get the day off from work and it offers another free to get shitfaced during daylight hours. So while there can be no debate that Marathon Day is a great event, there is also a dark side to Marathon Day and that is the actual race. So without further ado here are my top 8 peeves about Marathon Day.
1. Anybody Can Run the Marathon
It’s true, it’s true, anybody can run the marathon. Therefore it drives me nuts when people act like they have some god given gift that allows them to compete in this event. No you don’t. Now obviously you can’t just wake up on Marathon Monday and decide that you’re going to run the thing (although people have), but if you decide six months prior that you are going to run it, then anybody can get ready for it. Sure it takes lots of training and dedication, but no real athletic ability. If we roll back the clock six months to November 2012 and I decided that I wanted to play for the Red Sox on Marathon Monday I’d still get a 97 mph fastball jammed down my face, but I sure as hell would be able to run the Marathon with no problem. You want to brag about running? Beat a Kenyan. Until then shut up.
2. Speaking of the Kenyans
How excited can a blue blooded Bostonian get about watching a bunch of guys we’ve never heard of run a road race? (And even if we had heard of them, we probably wouldn’t realize it because their names are so complicated.) I honestly have no idea who has won any marathons outside of when Rosie Ruiz took the subway to finish first. (On a side note the Rosie Ruiz incident is similar to when I tried to cut through my Middle School when we had to run the mile in gym class.) This is nothing against the Kenyans, but why in the world would I care about them? Same thing goes with a chick from Marblehead. Snooze fest.
3. The Donation Thing
I’ve gone over this a thousand times. I’m all for donating money to good causes. However, I don’t like how marathoners tend to act like they are making this huge sacrifice to run the marathon so they can raise money for a cause. I’m sure there are a few runners out there who really dread running the marathon and the only reason they are doing it is because they want to raise awareness, but this is definitely the minority. I mean, if I ran the marathon, then you’d know that I was doing it strictly to raise money because I despise working out, but what about these other clowns who run it every year? They love it. After Boston they’ll go run the NYC and Chicago Marathons too. They’re running it regardless of donation money. They love the spotlight. They love having everybody congratulate them. However, they make it seem like they are running it for a cause. I don’t buy it. You could just as easily collect donations for a disease walking door to door as running the marathon. “Listen, Susie I don’t want to sponsor you running the marathon for the 7th straight year and I don’t want to see pictures of you crossing the finish line because I don’t care.” I’ll donate money to the Jimmy Fund because it’s a good cause, not because you’re so noble for doing something you want to do anyway. Do you want to sponsor me in a wiffleball tournament? At my old job I actually had a girl who was collecting donations for a trip to Hawaii where she was running a marathon. Imagine the balls on this slut. She actually wanted us to pay for her trip!
4. The TV Coverage
How bad is the TV coverage for the Marathon? They just sit there on that truck and nothing happens. You could tape the first five minutes and then just re-run that footage the entire race and nobody would be the wiser.
5. People who get work off the next day
I love people who skip the next day of work to recover. Huh? No group of people has the world tricked more than the marathoner. They ENJOY doing it. It makes them feel special. It’s an ego trip. Why do we reward them for doing something they enjoy by letting them have the next day of work off for free? I should be given a free vacation day the next time I place an unusually large bet because that takes a lot of courage and balls too. If I lose I won’t sleep a wink and won’t be ready for work either.
6. The Marathon Helpers
Where the hell do these people come from? My guess is that these people are usually the serious joggers of the world who didn’t run the marathon. They are there to give out food, encouragement and to wrap those ridiculous silver space ship things around runners as they cross the finish line. The beauty of the Marathon Helpers is that they like to dress up like they are actually running in the race. They are decked out in cross country shoes, spandex, and the whole ten yards. It’s their day in the sun and they want to make sure everybody knows it.
7. The Limper
In point #5 I said that I don’t like the fact that my old job used to give marathoners a free vacation day on Tuesday. Here is the thing though; the marathoners generally still show up at work even though they don’t have to. Why? Because they are glory hounds. God forbid they miss the opportunity to limp around work and have people ask them why they are limping. I personally refuse to fall into this trap. Whenever I see somebody limping around on the day after the marathon, I just act like I don’t even see it. Oh, I’ll purposely get into a conversation with these people, but I won’t give in and ask them what they did on Marathon day. Instead I’ll blab all day about how I went to the Sox game and then got wrecked at a Marathon party. You can almost see the limping marathoner bursting at the seams just waiting for you to ask what they did.
8. Smelly Subway
I must admit that I respect the people who run the marathon and then just climb aboard the green line with rush hour traffic to go home. These are the rare marathoners who do it for themselves. They aren’t in it for glory, but just the personal satisfaction that comes from setting a goal and achieving that goal. These are the people who were probably good athletes in their day and don’t need to hear from all their friends, family and colleagues how great they are for running the race. So while I respect these runners, I still don’t like it when I’m jammed in with them on the subway trying to get home. It is flat-out disgusting. There should be a fire hose to wash these people down before they are allowed on the subway. Without a doubt marathon day is the worst day of the year to ride the T. It is packed, it is smelly and nobody in a civilized society should be forced to endure it.
Bottomline is I love Patriot’s Day. I love the party aspect of it. I love how it’s a Boston only holiday. And yes, I respect people who run the marathon for themselves. But I can’t stand the people who do it strictly for the fake glory that comes with running the thing. The bottom line is that anybody who wants to run the thing can. I don’t expect people to ogle over me when I do something by choice that I enjoy doing. I don’t know why runners feel any different.