Barstool’s Champions League Preview – The “How Legit is PSG?” Edition
Sam’s Champions League Preview
Hi haters,
Every time I feel as though we’ve outlasted the “soccerz gay” crowd, which would make it time to start re-addressing these posts as “Hello friends”, we seem to get another wave of non-nose-breathers who are dead set on announcing to the world (in the comment section) just how narrow their minds and genitals are. Ah well, another one born every minute as they say. As for today’s (and tomorrow’s games), if you need to be sold on watching Champions League then that’s your malfunction.
So let’s get to it…
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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Quick recap of what happened in the third match day of group stage games:
– Arsenal may just have saved their season with that big win against Bayern last time out. Before you Gunners fans go stroking one another off with tears of joy, however, let’s not forget you are still in a hole after managing to lose to Dinamo Zagreb and Olympiacos in the first two match days.
#NeverForget
– Bayer and Roma played one of the more entertaining – albeit not highest of quality – games I’ve seen in quite some time, but unfortunately a draw was not a result either club will have wanted as it leaves them one point ahead and behind wee BATE in Group E.
– Speaking of groups, every club still has three group stage games still to play (except for Atleti and Astana, which played at 9am CT this morning… an interesting quirk of inviting Kazakhstan into UEFA), meaning there are a ton of points left to be contested and it’s a little early to focus on all the individual group tables, but here are a couple of the more interesting groups (based on results thus far):
– Nobody was more excited about watching Real versus PSG the first go round, but holy hell what a snoozefest. Hopefully this week’s Round #2 makes up for it.
– Let’s be serious, Chelsea fans are pretty excited they get to tell their friends they are in third place in a table right now.
The slate of games coming up today and tomorrow look like this:
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PICKS OF THE DAY
Important games for both Manchester clubs, but tough not to start with the game of the day involving two of the biggest clubs with some of the biggest names in the biz…
Real Madrid (-115)
PSG (+300)
Draw (+250)
How a club with the amount of talent on PSG could ever go into a game +300 boggles my mind, let alone when facing a Real Madrid squad that will be without Karim Benzema and Gareth Bale, but here we are. The Frenchies are a goal-scoring machine, starting out the season on a record-breaking pace in Ligue 1, though it must be said that there is a bit of a gap between Los Madridistas and GFC Ajaccio. That said, PSG’s strong start domestically has given them the flexibility to take their foot off the pedal on the weekend in order to save a little something for Champions League.
If there is one weakness for the Parisians it is at the back where the likes of David Luiz can usually be counted on for at least two ridiculously boneheaded plays, while he and Marquinhos are both struggling with injuries and might not even play. Tough to pick against a club that still has Ronaldo, James Rodriguez, Tony Kroos, Luca Modric, Sergio Ramos (newly back from injury), et al, but pulling out at least a point would prove that this PSG squad is really for real. I think they can do it, if barely. Gimme a 1-1 draw.
[Critically important postscript: regardless of how this one turns out – indeed, even if it sucks as much as it did last time round – we are ALL going to be winners because Rhiannon Jones is scheduled to be back on the sideslines and beaming into our television screens on Fox Sports 2.]
Appointment television
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United (-180)
CSKA (+535)
Draw (+315)
Quick show of hands: who can remember the last time United scored a goal? Anybody? Bueller? If not don’t feel bad because the answer is that the Red Devils haven’t scored since the last time they played CSKA in the middle of last month (settling for a 1-1 draw in Moscow). On the flipside, the last time United conceded was also against CSKA, as the recent stretch of results have included 0-0 draws with City and Palace, along with an embarrassing 0-0 draw with Middlesbrough in the League Cup that the PL side ended up capitulating on in PKs.
Point being, United’s offense has stagnated at just about the time when you might have expected players like Juan Mata, Anthony Martial and Memphis to start clicking. (In case you are wondering why Wayne Rooney isn’t included in that list, it is because the Wayne Rooney we all know [and some of us love] is dead. Killed ridiculously quickly by Father Time at some point this summer.) I’ll be honest and say I’m not a huge fan of United in this one. CSKA has some dangerous players, led by Seydou Doumbia, and despite how solid the Red Devils have been at the back you can’t help but wonder if Chris Smalling will start playing like Chris Smalling again sometime soon. (Note: this would be a bad thing for United.) Nonetheless, this puppy is at Old Trafford and I can’t help feeling like this is a game that United is going to win in completely undeserved fashion. United to win 2-1.
#tbt
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Sevilla (+165)
City (+170)
Draw (+255)
Sevilla is not quite the sneakily solid squad they were last season, but they are still damn good. Not only that, but they showed last match day that they had no problem hanging with City, who (importantly) will be without Sergio Aguero and David Silva. Yes, the Sky Blues have been playing better recently, but even if Good Yaya decides to play for once this just doesn’t strike me as a good matchup for the visitors. Sevilla to win 2-0.
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So there it is, the best-ever Champions League preview that Barstool will publish today. Another big day of games on deck tomorrow so don’t miss me too hard.
Way to go, idiot.
Holler,
Sam U.L. Army