This List Of The 21 Best Sex Positions Is Utterly Preposterous

via Metro

21. Anal

This I’ll kinda co-sign. The idea of anal is more fun than anal. It’s about the chase for it but once you get it it’s like one tight hole then nothingness. You’re banging a balloon. A balloon with poop in it.

20. The X

I don’t know what that is.

19. Wheelbarrow

Let’s just do sex without me having to hold your entire bodyweight. Although I guess doing curls with a human’s legs has the added bonus of distracting you from enjoying yourself and cumming. Supposed that’s good?

18. Headrush

I can’t imagine anything called a “headrush” being fun. What is that like you lay off the bed and fuck until you pass out? I fall asleep immediately after anyway, don’t need the added headache.

17. Tea-bagging

People do this? If I needed this sensation I’d just jerkoff with my balls dipped in a glass of warm water. Same thing except my asshole isn’t in someone’s eye.

16. Pretzel

We’re doing sex, not yoga.

15. 69

69 is fun, absolutely. But no one really cums from it, right? It’s a thing to do but you’re significantly detracting from the real fun parts of blowjobs/eating pussy. The angles aren’t good enough to really nail either one. So I’m into it, but you give a blowjob better regularly and I eat pussy better regularly. That’s a fact.

14. Spoons

Who is making these positions up?

13. V

I think this is with her legs up on your shoulders? All about this position but I always just call it missionary so people probably assume I’m a lame fuck. I mean I am, but not for this reason.

12. Cunnilingus

Should be higher.

11. Standing

I’m not “tall” (you gotta be like 6’4″ to say you’re tall) but I’m taller than every girl I’ve ever fucked. So to hell with standing. You gotta bend your knees to get lined up and shit. It’s like a thrusting wall squat, no thanks.

10. Reverse cowgirl

Should be higher. Any position where you can see butthole deserves top 5.

9. Lapdance

That’s not sex.

8. Face-sitting

7. Hand job

What? Handjob above

6. Cowgirl

I like how I don’t have to do anything but guys fuck girls better than girls fuck guys. There are exceptions, but that’s what proves the rule. Whatever the fuck that phrase means.

5. Blow job

Blowjob top three dead or alive.

4. Tit wank

I disagree with a tit job being top 10 but I very much agree with tit jobs being called tit wanks.

3. Missionary

Apparently I have no idea what missionary is, as I thought it was the shoulder thing.

2. Face to face

This was described as both people sitting upright and looking into each other’s eye. That’s some real kama sutra shit. I’m not ready for that level of fucking. I’m very much a novice, plus the one time I tried it my dick kept falling out. I’m gonna pretend that’s not because it’s too small even though it probably is.

1. Doggy

Duh. Butthole birds eye view. Plus, girls always say it goes deeper like that and I’ll take any extra I can get.