Stoolies #ComeClean About Their Worst Lies As A Sports Fan

So today is obviously a big day for lying. Inspired by the dickhead from The League, I revealed my own little dirty secret:

In 1999 I was at Game 5 of the NLDS when Robin Ventura hit the Grand Single, only my mom had made us leave in the 13th inning. We missed the homer and to this day, literally for 15 years, I’ve been lying to people saying I was there.

So this inspired the Come Clean Movement. Stoolies everywhere owning up to their biggest lies as sports fans. We are gonna break them down into three categories. Bronze (Lies that are just absolutely not worth telling, even if they were true, the story would still suck) Silver (Funny worthwhile lies) and Gold (Which are either simply hilarious or flat out preposterous lies)

Bronze

This is the most boring lie that has ever been told. No gas.

Why on earth take the time to lie about this? Is there a single person alive who cares about Jon Lester’s debut? I dont think Lester even cares

Terrible lie. Worse truth.

Debo as in Debo from Friday? If thats the case you are an ASSHOLE for feeling you needed to lie about who you were at the ballgame with. Debo by himself is a story. And randomly adding Lenny Kravitz to the mix, while a good choice, is a dick move.

Cannot even begin to imagine 2 buddies making a pact to lie about this. Like “Ok lets agree to tell everyone Willie McGinnest was there!”

I take back that David Wright home run derby line. THIS is the worst lie ever.

Silver

This was almost Bronze because its so dumb but any reference to Ramon The Rapist Castro gets bumped up a notch.

If we’re being perfectly honest, I’m more offended by this lie than the guy from The League

I didnt cry either. But my whole family did and kinda made me feel bad that I wasnt crying. So sometimes I think about saying I cried. But I did start to crying during the Right Now montage the other day so I feel like I made up for it.

This lie can go one of two ways. If you’re a Yankees fan its shameful. If you were a Mets fan in the building you WISH you left early to beat traffic.

This has gotta be an excruciatingly shameful moment. “Hey pop! I caught a HR ball with one hand!” “No you didnt son, you bobbled it and youre lying like a pussy.”

Complete reverse situation here. Gotta tell your buds you met Mike when in reality your old man was just flopping around with a sprained ankle.

I know Joe from college. Joe’s a good guy. I dont want him to be dead. But if he missed Johans no hitter because his girl was chilly he has no choice but to kill himself.

The old “Whoops I wasnt even alive yet!” lie…

…and then the old “I didnt realize Alfonzo Soriano had hit a home run in 1999 even though it was 2003.” Soriano hit 39 home runs in 2002 bro.

Hey Jesse guess what man? You are never ever ever allowed to talk about the Mets and misery and being heartbroken and shit if you didnt even watch that Tom Glavine monstrosity. If I could have, I would have burned down the McDonalds with you inside of it.

GOLD

I give this guy a Gold Star because he’s lying so that he can be tortured. Most of us lie to say we saw a great moment, this guy lies to commiserate. Thats honorable.

Maybe the most ruthless, horrible one of all. If I missed that I would lie to myself until I believed I didnt.

This doesnt quite fit the theme of what we’re doing here. More of a Midas Whale situation. But its fucking hilarious. If you think about it, kinda makes sense. Like he eats that pitch up. Its in his meal house.

I almost pissed in my pants when I saw that catch, and so did a lot of other people. You were just the poor bastard who left to actually go pee in the toilet instead of your pants. This would honestly crush my soul if I missed that moment.

Telling that to people should be punishable by death. To pretend you were a part of this:

When you really werent, is a dick move.

As far as modern day, recent Yankees moments go, this has gotta be number 1 to miss. Sucks to be you bro.

Cant really fault someone for missing that preposterous of a moment, theres no way to tell something like that is even fucking possible. But to miss one of the best sports moments ever for a cigarette BLOWS.

I would pay $1,000,000 for this to be a true story. I might just start using this lie myself. I once beat up George Karl’s son.

I would have taken that elbow pad, and that lie, to my grave. Its like the wrestling version of catching a home run ball vs buying one in the team store.

Maybe the single most intricate lie ever. You didnt just meet Rick Fox. You met Rick Fox AND Vanessa Williams. And you didnt just meet them, they also bought you pizza. The more details, the more it sounds believable. Just ask our friend from The League. Continuing with the Rick Fox theme:

I whole heartedly apologize for this response:

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Way to aggressive at 9:30 in the morning during a friendly game of Come Clean. But for real your sis might have hooked up with Rick Fox.

Listen pissing next to MJ is better than pissing next to Pippen. But pissing next to Pippen is already an awesome story. You already had a Gold story and you wanted it to be Platinum.

My personal favorite of the entire #ComeClean series. For 2 reasons. 1) it proves that this is timeless. Doesnt matter if its 2015 or 1962, guys are lying about what they saw with sports. 2) I have a conspiracy theory that the 100 point game never even happened at all. It was played in some random fucking gym in Hershey PA. No highlights, All we have is that ONE photograph of him holding the 100 sign. A fake box score and that fugazi “radio recording” that somehow surfaced 50 years after the fact is the “proof” this game occurred. I am a Wilt Chamberlain Truther. This game never happened and so nobody’s grandpa – not yours not mine no laputka12’s – went to that game.

When you think about it, that was probably the single most talked about televised moment in history. I wouldnt wanna be known as the guy pooping who missed Janet’s titties. Imagine that watercooler convo? Oh my god did you see Janet Jackson’s nipple? “No I was dumping.” That sucks.

Not trying to be rude like I did with that guy’s sister and Rick Fox, but your mom probably banged Gretzky.

Can we get some pre crime up in this bitch? Anybody who runs around with THAT being their go-to lie to tell to girls or people at parties needs to be locked away.

Hey…somebody prove to me Tim didn’t invent the Jose Jose Jose chant…you cant.

Dave here is an IDIOT. Because thats obviously a lie you keep going for WAY longer than 3 years.

I consider myself a mongo. I consider myself a diehard Francesa fan. But if you run around telling people that you call into Mike’s show all the time, and then hit us with the truth that you’re just an overnight caller, you need to go to jail with the test tube baby guy. Overnight caller mongos are SICK in the head.

Chris, you are a bold bold man for admitting this to the world. I can just see Chris so self conscious about this moment that he shot himself in the foot all the time. Like he’s at a 6th grade dance and he meets a girl and shakes her hand like “Hi I’m Chris I’ve never been thrown out at first from left field. I was definitely never out, I beat the throw, it was a single. Nice to meet you!”

This…this is the saddest lie of all time. This is the one. Worse than all the Bronze lies. This is so pathetic of a lie its Gold. You met Hee Sop Choi but didnt think that was a cool enough story so you went with Kaz Matsui, the guy who ripped his own asshole open. Incredible.

I bet you and literally every other person at Syracuse said they had class with G Mac.

This really depends on which Howard Johnson we’re talking about. Ho Jo from the Mets or the dude who made the hotels. If its Ho Jo, thats awesome. People in the neighborhood probably wondered why the kid with the last name Guissari was saying his dad was Howard Johnson, but whatever. If its the hotelier, your dad hates you.

In retrospect, after all we learned about Hope Solo and her TORN up vagina and incredible violent temperament, this lie is like a fine wine. Got better with age.

No joke Bren…one of the last people on earth I’d ever want to have fucked my gf before would be Matt Harvey. You know hes just such an asshole in bed. Rough break.

And last but not least:

Because we all lie just to lie.