Welcome back to the Monday Morning NFL Rewind. As a reminder I split these up now so that it hopefully doesn’t completely fuck your computer. First we’ll do the games played in AFC stadiums and then games played in NFC stadium. Also if you see anything on Sunday either in person or on your TV don’t be shy to send my way, chicagotips@Barstoolsports.com or @BarstoolBigCat. These take quite a long time to put together so any tips are much appreciated. Let’s get to it.
Chiefs 27, Texans 20
Fat Elvis is in the building looking pretty diesel if you ask me.
So what happened in this game? Well Travis Kelce happened.
But twice. Bonus points for one of the best Touchdown celebrations I’ve seen so far this year.
Now I know what you’re saying to yourself, but what about JJ Watt? I bet he did something totally sweet that will be replayed a million times over even though the Texans lost. Well guess what, he did! He had his helmet fall off and still made the play!
WATT?!?!! Haha, get it?
SALUTE TO THE TROOPS!
Wait but didn’t the Texans get blown out, oh yeah, whoops. Turns out having a tandem of Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett at QB is not a good thing
That moment you custom paint Brian Cushing and JJ Watt onto the hood your car and realize the Texans will most likely go 7-9.
Winning is exhausting, apparently .
Browns 10, Jets 31
“Fuck it, I’m going in!” -Josh McCown
Kind of respect Josh McCown for this move. He’s a guy who was out of the league 3 years ago, somehow conned his way into getting millions of dollars even though he’s a career backup, and then ended up being a starter for the second straight season. What does he have to lose? Heroes are remembered, legends never die, and nothing is more legendary than getting helicoptered week 1 in a Browns/Jets game.
Also new Browns jerseys suuuuuck.
Oh my god it’s Johnny Football, and he’s figured out how to play in the NFL!
Nope, just kidding, he still sucks
Cue the music
Colts 14, Bills 27
In case you missed it from this morning, Bills Mafia was in rare form to start the season.
No Days Off.
In terms of homemade shirts with very game specific jokes that don’t even really make sense, this is an A+
Penn State’s finest.
Best concert ever (have to be very very drunk and from Buffalo and slightly deaf)
Future so bright BillsMafia can hardly see.
Here’s what I love about Buffalo, win or lose, someone’s getting fingered. This week it just happened to be this random jort wearer’s butthole.
Panthers 20, Jaguars 9
In case you needed a reminder that I have shit for brains.
Good thing the Panthers have surrounded Cam Newton with solid receivers.
FREE CAM NEWTON pic.twitter.com/UG4z1ePTbx
— Sepp Trapper (@Trap_Jesus) September 13, 2015
But the real question is, does any of it matter when at the end of the day you get to chill in a pool and watch football?
The answer is no, especially when you’re this turnt up.
As is tradition.
Lions 28, Chargers 33
Here’s some good news Lions fans. Ameer Abdullah is absolutely nasty.
Here’s some bad news Lions fans, you’re still the Detroit Lions.
I can’t be the only one who bet the Lions, took my usual Sunday afternoon nap up 21-3 only to wake up and see the Lions down 33-21. Brutal.
To be honest if I had known AC Slater was not only a Chargers fan but also in the building yesterday I probably would have still bet the Lions and lost money because again, shit for brains.
“Jim, can you tell us what happened out there?”
*Stares silently without moving a muscle for the rest of eternity making everyone question if he is actually even alive*
Ravens 13, Broncos 19
I assume most people had this game on TV in the afternoon and if you did you learned one thing. Peyton Manning is so fucking old. Seriously, I’m not a Peyton lover by any stretch but that was sad to watch.
24 completed passes for a total of 175 yards is incredible. And honestly it doesn’t even do it justice. He looked slow, he looked old, the short passes had no zip, the long passes he overthrew because he was overcompensating for the aforementioned no zip and if he takes more shots like this I’m pretty sure he’s going to die.
The good news is the Broncos have an unbelievable Defense. Maybe if they run the ball and let Peyton Manning game manage they can do things, which is crazy to even say, Peyton Manning, game manager.
Bengals 33, Raiders 13
Andy Dalton getting the boys FIRED up.
“Let’s do this together guys, guyssssss, please listen to me guys”
I’m hard on Andy Dalton so I have to admit when he plays well and he played well yesterday, it was against the Raiders but a win is a win.
What else did we learn from this game?
1. That Pacman Jones is still in the league
2. That Pacman Jones reminded us he’s still in the league by trying to murder Amari Cooper
3. This guy exists and will eat your soul or watch his team lose by a billion, depends on the day of the week.
4. Silver lining for the Raiders, Jack is back and his hair was fucking AWESOME.
Golden Tidal Wave of beauty, can’t wait for leather jacket weather.
NFC up next.