Today is my mom’s 60th birthday. Shitty birthday, huh? Its the saddest moment in American history every year that she’s supposed to be getting celebrated. But this year was extra awful for Mama KFC. She flips on Boomer and Carton right as Craig was explaining how I’ve been blogging about Juan Uribe’s Coke Can dick. I actually didnt get to hear his comments but he mentioned me and Barstool writing about it and so a little while later the phone rings.
“Happy birthday, Ma!”
“Thanks…who is Coke Can?”
I damn near threw my phone out the fucking window. She doesnt read the blog. Its all out of sight out of mind for her because she obviously loathes the person I’ve become. So, not knowing any of the details of my blogging, somehow my mom got all mixed up. Thought Coke Can was a person. Which, if you believe all the rumors about what Uribe is packing, is not far from the truth. But she thought Coke Can was another blogger moniker. She thought that some guy named Coke Can was blogging about Juan Uribe along with her pride and joy KFC. So I have to explain to my mother, on her 60th birthday, that Coke Can is not actually a person, but in fact the nickname of the gigantic penis belonging to a Dominican baseball player. Happy birthday to you, Mom. Your 30 year old son spends like at least an hour a day writing about the dick size of our utility infielder.
You know what the weirdest part is? I told her like the whole story. About how I got DMs from other players around the league and emails about it. How I tweet out COKE CAN! every time he gets a big hit. It was like verbal diarrhea. Thankfully I stopped at describing Hog Show but like what the fuck is wrong with me?
Shout out to Craig Carton for being responsible for the single most awkward interaction you can possibly have with your mother on her birthday.