The other night my roommates and I were reading the dictions and warning labels on a condom and it turns out they’re actually pretty funny. The funniest part about them is that someone actually did these things and complained so Trojan had to out it on their warning label. I don’t think anyone actually takes the time to read them (my roommates and I are just weird as fuck) so I thought I’d share them with you.
1. For additional lubrication use a water-based lubricant. DO NOT USE OIL-BASED LUBRICANTS, such as those made with petroleum jelly, mineral oil, vegetable oil, or cold cream.
Oh don’t use vegetable oil? Dammit I just bought a gallon of vegetable oil to use as lube! Also what even is cold cream? Isn’t that for like zits and pimples?
2. Do not reuse condoms. Use a new condom for every sex act.
Literally, what? Who the fuck would REUSE a condom? That’s absolutely disgusting. Let me take this condom filled with semen, put it back on and do it again. Yup, that should work. No babies for us.
3. If the rubber material is sticky or brittle or obviously damaged, do not use the condom.
If the condom is broken not use it because it probably won’t work. Got it. Are people seriously that stupid that they need to be told not to use a broken condom? (Hey Dana remember when you spelled nostalgic, nogalistic? Why are you calling people stupid.)
4. If the color is uneven or changed, do not use the condom.
Gross. Also, where does this rule stand for colored condoms? How will you know if it’s the exact right shade of hot pink before you use it?
5. Wash hands as well as penis, vagina and surrounding areas- before and after sex.
“Excuse me, before we do this were going to need to go scrub our hands and genitals. AND DON’T FORGET UNDER YOUR BALLS.”
6. To avoid damage to furniture, do not place opened foil packet or used condom on any surface.
Shit, how much damage can one condom wrapper cause? And don’t put the condoms ON ANY SURFACE. Ok. Cool.