That's Enough Internet for Today: Jalen Rose's Daughter is Pushing a Conspiracy Theory That Aaron Rodgers Married an AI Chatbot

You might have just assumed that, with the Steelers' season coming to an abrupt end and Mike Tomlin getting fired deciding to "move on" after 19 years, that all the speculation around Aaron Rodgers would be whether he planned to come back for another season, or retire to what would certainly be a lucrative career on one of the networks. 

If that is what you assumed, oh, you sweet summer child. A simple "Will he or won't he?" on a 42 year old future Hall of Famer is just so … 2010. That's the kind of thing we used to engaged in back in the days of Brett Favre doing his annual Bayou Hamlet routine at the end of every season. A simpler, easier, almost naive age. One in which we limited our speculation to great athletes' careers, and what they planned to do with their futures. Ah, the misty, water-colored memories of those more austere times. 

In the case of Rodgers, his career plans have taken a very distant back seat to the question of whether he secretly got married, to whom, and whether or not his possible new bride is an actual human being. I wish I was joking. But I am not joking:

First there was this:

Source -  Aaron Rodgers is married. Well, at least that's what he's said, confusing a lot of people from fans to -- reportedly -- friends who aren't sure if he is or not.

But there's been tons of speculation about the marriage and whatever wedding there was. He was spotted wearing a wedding ring, he's even spoken in the past about a significant other he's had named Brittani… but we haven't seen photos of the couple on social media or elsewhere.

And since nature abhors a vacuum (and from the way the house looks, so does my wife! Heyyyooo!), whenever there's a lack of information about anything, someone's going to step up to fill the void. And what they fill it with is invariably insane, nonsensical bullshit. For instance, when Emperor Tiberius decided to rule from Capri, Romans were so appalled by the very concept of a public person having a private life, they chose to believe he'd turned the place into Epstein Island, except even worse. If that's possible. 

This situation is no exception. And involves Jalen Rose's daughter, just to make it all the more surreal.

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"Aaron Rodgers has been in a ton of really strange and public relationships. So, he is not the most private guy with his dating life. Maybe that scarred him to secrecy. Or he's dating an AI chatbot. Or married to an AI chatbot.

Brittani can't be real. He made that shit up."

And there we have it. It took just under 250 years, but we've reached the limits of what free speech can do to benefit society. 

A public figure decides to keep a large portion of his private life private, so someone fills in the blanks with what is essentially a Black Mirror premise. A world where dating gorgeous actresses and pretty race car drivers can no longer satisfy a famous athlete, so he inevitably decides to pop the question to Paulie's sex robot from Rocky IV. 

Sure. Why not? Have at it, Jalen Rose's daughter. Speculate away. Do your worst. Rodgers is marrying Manti Te'o's girlfriend. Hal 9000's twin sister. He doesn't want someone to be mother to his future children, he wants to settle down with Mother from Alien. Sure, Rodgers' ex Olivia Munn is a beautiful woman:

But her femininity can't compete with a Fembot:

Welcome to 2026, everyone. You made it. You're here to witness the final moment that modern civilization implodes altogether. We're circling the drain, and we've only got a swirl or two left before we're down the pipes and into the sewer altogether. And there's no treatment plant waiting at the end to recycle us. This is it. We had a nice run.

All of which is me assuming Aaron Rodgers married an actual flesh and blood woman named Brittani with an "i." Admittedly, if any NFL player would marry an AI wife, it would be him. And if that turns out to be the case, I'll apologize to Jalen Rose's daughter Mariah, and give her credit for the scoop. Followed by me throwing my phone, laptop and tablet into the ocean, heading off to the wilderness to live out the rest of my days in a hollow tree.  Stay tuned.