Stella Blue Coffee Fall Flash Sale | Save 25% on Fall Flavors & Assorted MerchSHOP NOW

Advertisement

The Founder Of Bumble Says Dating Will Soon Be Having Your AI Date Other Peoples' AI To Determine If You Should Actually Meet

Jerod Harris. Getty Images.

Here we have the founder of Bumble, Whitney Wolfe, discussing how AI is going to affect the future of dating. She says that AI is going to "teach" us how to date. Which may spell the end for all those dating coaches and relationship experts who have done such a bang-up job of bringing couples together these past few decades. 

At a time when every new AI development seems to send chills down the spine of society, this one actually feels like a win. Run the numbers, computer. Tell me WHY I keep ending up with women who can't drive stick because their father fled the coop for the Ukrainian au pair long before a lesson in smooth clutch release could happen. Then introduce me to a farmer's daughter who moonlights as a drag racer through the mean streets of French Lick while never missing a single Sunday mass because it's faith, family, and burning fucking rubber—in that order. 

Apparently you start by telling the AI concierge your insecurities. I hate the hue of my penis head as it stands in shocking contrast to the shaft, say, or the size of my mother's areolae have made it impossible for me to find women with small areolae attractive. The AI will then train you on how to frame those insecurities: "That's ok, many people have multi-colored members and as long as you're forward-thinking about setting your lights low with a partner, most won't care or notice." Or "Perhaps you could focus less on the size of the areolae and more on the protrusion of the nipple?" Helpful tips like these should spur insecure men towards more healthy dating habits and more meaningful partnerships. 

Eventually, Wolfe sees this evolving into my AI dates your AI and I guess if that's a success, they will tell us to meet in person? That seems a little, uhm, recipe for disaster-ish. If my AI is off happily bot-fucking her AI, why would they ever come back to tell us we're scheduled for bubble tea on Tuesday? I don't see the human connection remaining a priority here. 

That said, I understand the value in meeting a person who has been vetted for you far better than some mutual friend could ever do. Maybe they know exactly how you both like to smooch, favorite sexual positions, what sort of costumes you might be up for, etc. You'd be starting on 3rd base with each other, skipping that onerous four-month feel-out period where you keep nudging the ball forward towards pegging, one inch at a time. 

Here's to a new generation of happy couples brought together by artificial intelligence. What could go wrong?