Our Friend Steven Crowder Is At It Again, Explaining How He Is Better Than You Because He Never Bad Mouths His Wife Or In Laws

Well he’s back. It’s been a while but he’s back. Our favorite douchebag Steven Crowder. Spouting all his stupid beliefs and ramblings. In case you don’t know my history with him, here it is. So here we go… (italics his, bold mine)

“My wife is just such a pain in the ass!” he said, as we were changing in the gym locker room.

“You know how it is…” he finished.

Blankly, I stared at him, cocking my head sideways like a befuddled mastiff.

“No. I really don’t,” I replied.

Hey Steven, you know what this is. This is small talk. It’s what normal human beings do when they don’t want to have a long conversation with the dickweed at the gym who thinks he’s an MMA fighter. You nod and you move on. Like when someone says, oh how about this winter, the acceptable response is, yeah how about it. Not, No, I don’t understand the winter. If you can’t figure out small talk you are a fucking asshole.

As I finished dressing myself and walked out, you could hear a pin drop. The gentlemen had certainly never heard, nor ever expected to hear, a response like that from “one of the guys” for as long as he’d live.

You will never be “One of the guys”.

I think that’s sad. Also, he needs to do some squats.

This is the first and last time I will ever agree with Steven Crowder. People need to do more squats. Its an epidemic. Don’t skip leg day guys, everyone notices. 

When men get together, they moan about their wives. The commentary provided on marriage between groups of men, is typically one from a viewpoint that assumes marriage to be life’s greatest, most unfun mistake. Not only is it often as disingenuous as Joe Biden’s hairline, but it’s incredibly harmful.

 Spoken like a man who has been married for 9 months. You think the world is all gumdrops and Candy Canes bro. You’re the equivalent of the guy who goes to Vegas for the first time, wins money, and decides that gambling is funny and super easy. Shut the fuck up.

These same people are shocked when I don’t chime in on their urinate-and-moan-fests regarding their old maids. Yeah, imagine that!

Yeah Imagine that! Wait, I can’t, because there is no way you have any friends. I refuse to believe it. You’re the type of guy that starts dating a chick and immediately picks up all her friends. The guy who has no real guy friends. The guy who gets the pity invite to the bar because their girlfriend is friends with your wife. Everyone hates that guy. So stop pretending like you’re just “shooting the shit”. No one even talks like this anyway.

Imagine actually thinking that I married somebody better than myself.

Not exactly a difficult thing to do for you.

Imagine looking forward to discussing anything and everything with my wife because she actually helps me make better decisions that ultimately transform my life into more than the selfish pile of crap it was before her. Crazy, I know.

Talking to people, in general, is probably the most overrated activity in the world.

Hold your nose though, because here comes the really cold water… I actually love my in-laws too! But that’s a column for another day.

You are Andy Bernard when he mimicks Michael, except minus every single redeeming quality that Andy Bernard Possesses.

Now, I realize that there are some people who genuinely hate their spouse and that’s sad. It really is. However, more often than not, I find that men fall under category number two…

Those who actually love their wives just as much as I do, but are afraid to speak up because of what has become commonplace in modern society’s man-cave of fakery.

Again, NO regular guy talks about their girlfriend/wife when they’re sitting around with their friends. Its not bashing, its not man cave of fakery, its not hate. It just isn’t done. I can’t even remember the last time I talked to a friend about his relationship status. That’s what chicks do. I mean you do understand that some things can stay private right Steven? That you don’t have to gab about your girlfriend/wife whether it be good or bad.

Men get together and they complain about their wives, because it’s what they feel they’re supposed to do. It’s as phony as your frat-buddy’s stupid tribal tattoos and everybody knows it.

I’m starting to think Steven has no friends. That he’s just making this whole thing up. That he has never actually had a normal conversation with a guy because this has literally never happened to me.

Yet they do it anyway, because just like the dummies who took up smoking to fit in back in high school, these guys want to make sure that they have a spot at the cool kids table. Pathetic.

Spoken like a kid who never sniffed the cool kids table

Here’s my challenge to the real men out there; it’s very simple. If you have a good marriage, talk about it. If you love your wife, say it. If some moron tells you that you’re merely a “newlywed” or that you’re still just “too young to understand,” correct them. Openhanded slaps to the face are preferable.

Steven, you’ve been married for 9 months and you’re already writing a column basically BEGGING for a blow job. That’s what’s going on here. I may be dumb but I’m not stupid. Now please come slap me so we can fight Seagal style.

Unless those of us who love our wives (and thus, our lives) make a conscious change to the way we speak of them, unless we begin choosing to elevate and praise our spouses instead of denigrate, we will be letting an incredibly corrosive self-perpetuating societal meme destroy the very institution that defines our lives. Are we willing to do that just to fit in with some gelatinous beer buddies?

Calling someone your “beer buddy” is like when Steve Carrell said a tit felt like a bag of sand. Now I KNOW you’re full of shit.

Also, do some squats.

You do some squats.