On Behalf Of Harvard (Even Though I Don't Actually Speak For Them), We're Sorry
Author's note: the University of Harvard has not elected me to speak on its behalf. These views are my own. I don't even know if they recognize me as an alum, honestly. I stopped receiving fundraising solicitations after a 12-year streak of not donating.
On behalf of the University of Harvard, let me be the first to say that we're sorry. We, the esteemed alumni of the nation's—nay, the world's most prestigious university—were just as disappointed as you guys when our President, Claudine Gay, equivocated during her testimony to congress yesterday. When pressed on the University's policy regarding hate speech and discrimination, especially as it pertains to students who have rallied against Israel, Dr. Gay—who is a real person, and not just someone you jokingly page when your friend says something super lame in conversation, as in "paging Dr. Gay"—treaded water and danced carefully around an actual answer. It was a clearly-rehearsed act, likely prepped beforehand by some of the world's brightest legal minds, and it stank to high heaven.
You may have read Dave's response. In it, he committed to a moratorium on hiring any graduates of Harvard, MIT, or Penn until their leaders step down. As I suspect that unlikley to happen, it means that for now, I am the last hired Harvard Man of Barstool. Heavy lies the crown.
Those of us lucky enough to have gained admission to Harvard, which is a very select few indeed, pride ourselves on the University's motto: Veritas. Emblazoned boldly across the unmistakable crest, the latin word for "truth" stands as both a challenge and an expectation to all who matriculate through the gates of Harvard Yard. We took it very seriously. I recall a time when I was dared to hang cheek and drop a five-story sky dump from the fire escape off Canaday. The defecate broke apart in the atmosphere and landed in streaks on the atrium floor below, spreading laughter and joy throughout the dorm.
But when the resident dean emailed us demanding that the poopetrator come forward, I didn't hesitate. I marched straight to his office, rapped smartly upon his door, and turned myself in. For my crimes, I was sentenced to dust bookshelves in Lamont Library every Friday night and placed on disciplinary probation for the rest of the year. As much as I hated to forfeit a weekend evening, it was in these punishments that I discovered my love for the written word.
Rack after rack, row after row, I dusted and wiped, unknowingly digesting some thousands of titles. Here and there, I'd peel a book down from the shelf, sit on the floor, and read with one hand as I dusted with the other. I read Shelley, Austen, Hardy, Poe; Faulkner, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Morrison. The hours flew by as I crossed glaciers and seas, rode trails on horseback, followed the drinking gourd, and conjured demons from centuries past. These were the mystical, whimsical, terrifying, soul-shaping nights of my life.
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This wonderful "punishment," an education, fostered in me a love of language which has guided my writing here at Barstool Sports. In the wake of yesterday's congressional hearing, many of you have tweeted at me to say what a disappointment I must be for having gone to Harvard "only to end up writing at Barstool." To you I say, it is a disappointment I wouldn't trade for all the world. I needed every inch of my Harvard education to get where I am today. It is entirely because of that education that I find myself in this wonderful job, being paid to write for so many of you wonderful readers, with an appreciation for (if not always an employment of) careful choices in language.
And while I may struggle at times to deliver my points concisely, I can say without fail that if anyone were to ask me "does calling for the genocide of a people violate your rules of bullying and harassment?"
I'd only need one word: yup.
PS- the fact that I was grandfathered in to Barstool but not Harvard is funny.
PPS- I understand Dave's decision not to sell those shirts. If you're not familiar with the joke, and you just see someone wearing a shirt that says "HAMAS UNIVERSITY" on it? Things could go south quickly.