Breaking News - Jared The Subway Guy To Plead Guilty To Child Porn Charges

And suddenly all those 5 dollar foot long commercials seem really fucked up. My only question is, where have all our hero’s gone? Can’t look to baseball anymore, everyone did steroids, Hulk Hogan is a racist and now Jared the Subway guy likes kiddie porn. Man, and to think that random obese dude from Indiana who willingly ate Subway every single day turned out to have a few skeletons in his closet. What a stunner, never saw this one coming.

If Subway needs a new spokesperson they know where to find me. Just kidding, even I have some standards when it comes to food, but actually not, I’ll do the job if they give me free food, those flatbreads are fire and you can eat twice as many because it’s less bread.