HOT Bargain For A Murder Chair Spotted On Philly Craigslist

via r/philly

Ah, yes. Philly Craigslist (and basically that site in every city worldwide): You never know what kind of rabbit hole you’re going down, but you’re not coming out clean on the other side. That thing did look like it would’ve been a comfortable seat to kick the bucket. To be honest, if you willingly travel anywhere “n of girard” to pick up a loveseat for free there’s a decent chance that chair’s getting a fresh blood stain.

BONUS BLOG FROM 2013: The One Where Smitty Pretends To Be A Serial Killer In Response To A Craigslist Ad

READER EMAIL: CRAIGSLIST AD FOR SMITTY

just saw this. easy money…

Chris

CRAIGSLIST – Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY, where i can bring my date at night… (South Philly)

Might seem like an odd request, but I am in my upper 20’s, pretty normal (besides this request), and just need a place I can bring this girl I am dating. We would only need a private room or space for 20-30 min. If that. I can give you any info you need about me. And will pay each time.

Thanks!

Nothing gets between a man and the prospect of guaranteed sex. Nothing. To help prove that point I decided to see if this gentleman would still be willing to use my figurative, dark basement to spank some dank if I dropped multiple hints that I was a legit serial killer. Things got interesting to say the least:
 

From: Smitty
To: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
Subject: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 14:35:16 -0500

Yo man, saw your ad on Craigslist. You need a spot? I have a spare room in South Philly. May be a little uncomfortable though but I’m sure if you’re tenacious enough you can get it done. It won’t matter in the end anyways. Let me know.

Dr. S.

 
From: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
To: Smitty
Subject: Re: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 15:47:14 -0500

Awesome!! Where is it? Is it free tonight? Ready to start ! lol

 
From: Smitty
To: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 15:55:12 -0500

Excellent. x and xxxxxxx is where it’s at. Um…tonight? Usually I’d charge but I have a couple things in the basement (where your room would be) where if you help me move out and dispose it’s all yours. We’d just have to roll a couple big things up in tarps and take them outside to go under my backyard garden. Bring some gloves, it could get a little messy. There’s other suitcases to take out too but stuff is already chopped up and ready to go in them already so we should be cool. I have a surgical mask too, it has the aurora of what I imagine a Crematorium smells like.

 
From: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
To: Smitty
Subject: Re: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 16:10:03 -0500

ha, you do know what I am looking for correct? Just a place to bring my date for 15 min a few times a week …. if that is OK? I am a completely normal guy.
What streets do you live on again? Cross streets?

 
From: Smitty
To: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 16:15:12 -0500

x and xxxxxxx. Will give you the house # if this works out.

I hear ya man, but it’s gotta be a little give and take. Not just gonna let you lay pipe in my house for free without knowing you. Just need some help disposing of some stuff that’s been down there for awhile and it’s starting to stink up the joint. Have a couple of barrels that are filled with now sludge, too. They definitely need to go.

 
From: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
To: Smitty
Subject: Re: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 16:54:57 -0500

I can def help you with a little cash. Like $5 or $10 bux for 15 min?

 
From: Smitty
To: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 17:43:12 -0500

OK, I’ll clean up a little bit and you should be fine. There’s actually a surgical table down there that’ll be perfect for you guys to use. It has a couple of dark red stains but nothing a sheet wouldn’t cover over. Plus I have some lotion you can put on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again. Make sure you BOTH use the lotion. It loosens the pores up and makes the skin look so nice it’s almost edible.

I don’t need the cash and it can be for free. Just an FYI I’ll be in the adjacent room deciphering the greatness that is Against All Odds by Phil Collins that will be playing. If that doesn’t work, You like Huey Lewis And The News? Also, my mother will be in said room with me. Don’t worry, she’s been dead quiet for years.

 
From: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
To: Smitty
Subject: Re: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 17:46:21 -0500

Can I call you? Would be easier if I could. Why would you let me use your place for free? lol

 
From: Smitty
To: djsgd-419844959@hous.craigslist.org
Subject: Re: Seeking a place in SOUTH PHILLY
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 17:49:55 -0500

You do realize if you come over there’s always a possibility you’ll never leave. That’s why it’s for free. But it’s your call and we can discuss if you wish, xxx-xxx-xxxx.

And so we naturally have a nice discussion on the phone. Enjoy.

And that’s that. I swear the only thing more crazy than this guy risking him and his woman getting skinned alive for the prospect of sex is the fact that he still has a land-line. Batshit.

Legit if you want to turn into a complete psychopath, use this as inspiration. Couldn’t get through 10 seconds, but if you watch the entire thing without moving a muscle consider yourself Ted Bundy in his prime.