Beaches Are Closed Because There's Too Much Poop In The Ibiza Water

Bav Media. Shutterstock Images.

NY Post - The party’s over at one Ibiza beach where high levels of fecal matter were found in the water.

Playa Pinet beach on Spain’s famed island was closed by the local city council this week after tests of the cove’s water showed levels of fecal matter that “exceeded” safety limits, local news outlet Diario de Ibiza reported.

The contaminated water increases risk of E. coli and intestinal enterococcus bacteria infection.

The beach remains closed pending results of another test.

HAH! Take that, idiot influencers with your "good looks" and "huge bank accounts" and "happy lives". Well, well, well, who is happy now?! Exactly. Not you, poop eaters! You had people fooled, tricked into thinking traveling on private planes to exotic locations was a fun job. As it turns out it's actually pretty….wait for itttttt…shitty! The beaches in Ibiza are closed because there's too much fecal matter in the water, meaning my life as a fat bald blogger is actually better than being a model. While I don't have an infinity pool looking over the water, you know what I do have that isn't chalk-full of poop? My bathtub. I mean I'm sure there's some because I've been eating a bit too much dairy and farting in the shower, but to my knowledge it's not a poisonous amount, another win for me.

So while the rich and famous galavant around Europe, just remember some of those IG models you see spent the last 3 hours blasting liquified shit out of the asses like it was the morning after an order of Barstool Bites. After an order of Feits' Saturdays are for the Dip you know you're in trouble, but I digress. I'm gonna go order me another milkshake and hang another gold star on my wall. Now we wait for Mike Posner to write the sequel, the real truth about what happens in Ibiza.

(This song really does bang though)