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Let's Talk Milkshakes

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Ok real quick because you have to get back to doing spreadsheets and I have to get back to refreshing Twitter. Let’s talk milkshakes. One of the most delicious foods out there. Underrated too. And why are they underrated? Their price. Milkshakes are so overpriced it makes me toss and turn at night, probably because of the 100 grams of sugar and the backflips my stomach does from all the dairy, but regardless, I’m still tossing and turning. (By the way, everyone at 26 years old starts farting uncontrollably from dairy right? 2 bowls of cereal and I can power a small town with my intestines.)

But back to the topic at hand- the price of milkshakes. There’s a local cheeseburger place, not unlike 5 Guys, called ZBurger. I frequent this place a lot. In fact, after the bars on Friday, I had pizza, and then walked across the street and got ZBurger. That’s just called commitment, folks. I pay 7 dollars for a double cheeseburger, and I love it. However, it’s when I go when I’m not drunk that I run into Big Milkshake. You know Big Milkshake, the industry you are keeping afloat by spending $5 for a shake every time you get a burger and fries. And don’t tell me I can go to McDonalds and get one for a buck, I like my milkshakes to have the 2 main ingredients- ice cream and milk, none of which McDonalds’ has. Milkshake prices are so out of control, but they have me by the balls- what am I going to do, not get a shake with my burger? HAH. Blasphemy. And I hate that they know this. If you’re going to ZBurger on a Sunday afternoon hungover as all fuck, they could make me give a dry handjob to the fry cook for a milkshake and the most I’d do in protest is politely ask him not to cum on my face. Sometimes I pretend that I’m not going to buy a milkshake, just to keep a little bit of my dignity. Like “oh, okay, I guess I’ll have one..just this one time!” as the cashier looks at me, full knowing that I would supersize that bitch if given the option.

At the end of the day, milkshakes are a phenomenal treat, vastly overpriced, and there’s nothing I can do to stop myself from getting one. Sure, you can go to the grocery store and buy a gallon of ice cream and a quart of milk for less than the price, but that sounds like an awful lot of work. Plus, it’s a good way to rationalize that you’ve made it in life. That you can fork over 5 bones for a fancy melted ice cream, and live to see tomorrow. That’s power baby. As long as it’s on the menu, and as long as they are giving me a burger and fries, I will begrudgingly, yet happily, at the same damn time, purchase one. And if you need more justification, you can die tomorrow, so drink a fucking milkshake you pussy.


(Part 3 in the “talkin'” series, Part 1- Mac N Cheese, Part 2- Cheeseburgers)