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Dumping Them Out: Dumping Them Out

Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out, the weekly segment where I progressively search creepier and creepier things in order to locate the hottest GIFs on the internet.

If I ever have a kid, I might do the whole crazy helicopter parent make my sons life miserable so he's good at sports thing like Baby Gronk's dad. Except I don't want to do it with football. Football is too fucking hard. You can't just build a D1-Football player unless your kid was already born in the top 1 percentile of being freakishly athletic. I don't think my genes are that good. But I think there's other sports where you could build a super athlete. 

I guess you could go the football route if you make your kid a kicker. If you erect a full sized field goal post in your backyard and start forcing your kid to kick for 3 hours a day before he can even walk, have him crush squats and leg extensions for another couple hour, I gotta think he'd be good enough to kick for a college. Which actually brings up a different question that I think about all the time for some reason - If you're going to kick for a D1 Football school, what school would you kick for? 

You have to consider your mental health. If you're going to go kick for a big SEC school, you have to be a top 10 kicker. There's maybe 10-20 "good kickers" in college football every year (even that might be a stretch), and if you aren't that then you have a 0% chance of living up to the fans expectations. I would never go to the SEC unless I knew I was really really fucking good. I forget what year it was, but I remember one time Arkansas had a fucking horrible kicker. They weren't even very good that year, but still, Arkansas' fan base is going to be crazy, they're going to be delusional, and they're going to treat every game like it's life or death. I remember the kicker missing like 4 kicks in a game. Arkansas wasn't even good, but the whole stadium booed the shit out of him. He looked like he truly wanted to die on the sidelines. There's no way that guy was having fun playing football. 

Even if you are that good, I'm just gonna go out west to a nice PAC-12 school where the fans don't really give a fuck either way. I think UCLA, Cal, Arizona, or Arizona State would all be great choices. If you want a chance to make it to the NFL, then it's probably beneficial to go to a power conference school. And you don't want to kick in shit weather. If it turns out you suck, or blow a big game, west coast football fans aren't going to death threat you nearly as much as anywhere in the SEC, Big 12, or Big 10. Of course you'll get a few death threats, that comes with the territory. But they'll be few and far between.

My apologies for the kicking tangent. I also think I could make my child a professional bowler. A bowling stroke is a such a repeatable thing. It's all about muscle memory. If you spend your whole life bowling I bet you can make a run at a professional career. Darts as well. People fucking love darts.

This isn't a sport, but how do people get into sword swallowing? I just saw a commercial for America's Got Talent and somebody swallowed a sword. It's obviously a thing that people do. I don't know how it became a thing. And at what point in your life do you decide that you'd like to swallow swords. How much money can there really be in sword swallowing? Seems like a high-risk, low-reward situation. Best case you end up on a TV show for 10 minutes, worst case you pierce your organs with a sword. 

Speaking of weird shit. This video from the weird country of England is bonkers.

They take the King and Queen so god damn serious over there. Not a single one of his fellow fuzzy hat trombone friends even considered stopping their playing to help the guy out. You just know there are severe consequences for those who cease playing mid-ceremony. The craziest part is that he's not the only boner who went down. At 20 seconds you see the royal police, or whatever they're called, carrying off another dude in the background who looks even more dead than the main character. Actually, the craziest part might be that 30 degrees Celsius is only 86 degrees Fahrenheit. You can't be passing out dead at 86 degrees. 86 degrees is nothing. It has to be AT LEAST 90 before that starts happening, and even passing out in the 90's is weak. If it's over 100 then sure, I'll give you that. England is so stupid.  

While I'm on the subject of European countries, I'm watching the French Open Championship right now. Much like the trombone playing guards, the ball boys do their job like the have a gun to their head as well. Every time the chase after a ball they look like they're in full panic. Then the rush back to their spot along the wall, stand perfectly still, and get this look on their face that's like, "Omg please I hope that was ok." It doesn't look like a fun time.