Terry Collins Says He Can't Describe Juan Uribe's Locker Room Antics

So by now we all know the story behind Coke Can Uribe. He’s got the biggest dick in baseball. Which just makes perfect sense. Hes a 36 year old Black Winnie the Pooh who just notched his 1500th hit last night and is deceptively quick on his feet. He’s like a cat in the field. He’s a flash of light on the base paths. But despite all that wonderful stuff on the field, thats not even his true value. Its his off the field clubhouse demeanor that’s his real value. Every night after this team plays, win or lose, they know they are gonna be treated to a Hog Show. They know they are gonna see the Whirly Bird. And that either helps these guys forget about a loss or gets them fired up ready to go win another one tomorrow. Nothing keeps a clubhouse loose and fun like a guy twirling his dick like a helicopter. Thats the X-Factor for the Mets this year. There’s actually a few X-Factor type of guys for the Mets. A few characters and story lines where you start tossing around words like “special” and “magic.” Yea, of course its the starting pitching that has this team 3 up in the NL East. But its all those side stories that have this team poised to make a real run. It started with Big Sexy and his antics at the plate. Wilmer and his tears. Uribe arrives with his Aquafina bottle. The arrival of guys like Thor and Conforto. Matz’s magical debut and his awesome grandpa. We got Rally Raccoons and Rally Parakeets. There’s enough material on this team for a 30 for 30. Ordinarily I wouldnt ever expect anything from David Wright but the way this team is going DW The Captain will probably return to hit a division clinching home run or something. The only thing left to do is go win a championship. No big deal, right?

PS – The thought of Terry Collins seeing the Hog Show cracks me the fuck up. Can you imagine him walking into the clubhouse with his lineup card like “UHHHHHHH alright listen up we got a big game toda…CRIPES! Put that thing away, Juan. You’re gonna injure Cuddyer with that thing. Look, doggone it! Wilmer is crying again. Roll that thing up and put it away!”