Micah Parsons Tries To Serve Up A Little Rat Poison, Calls Jalen Hurts A System Quarterback

Mitchell Leff. Getty Images.

Micah Parsons knows it's time to get desperate. The Cowboys were just a few short minutes away from losing at home to the Houston Texans. He spent all this time and energy pathetically trying to recruit Odell just for the Cowboys to turn around and sign TY Hilton instead. All the meanwhile the Philadelphia Eagles continue to be an absolute juggernaut who are only getting better as the weeks go by, and they'll also be getting guys like Dallas Goedert and CJ Gardner-Johnson back for the playoffs. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And since it's not like Micah Parsons was able to contribute much of anything the last time the Eagles played the Cowboys (0 sacks, 0 tackles for loss), it appears the only thing he has to offer is to whip up a batch of rat poison a couple weeks ahead of the Christmas Eve showdown. So he went on Von Miller's podcast this week to talk about the MVP and finally took his first shot on Jalen Hurts. 

Now the bad news for Micah Parsons is that Jalen Hurts spent 3 years under Nick Saban learning the arts of avoiding rat poison just like this. The positive rat poison AND the negative rat poison. Jalen Hurts is able to sniff it all out a country mile away. So if it's Jalen's skin that Micah Parsons is trying to get under here, well then good luck with that. 

The even worse news for Micah Parsons is that now he's got the attention of the wrong guy. The last man that Micah Parsons wants to upset right now is Lane Johnson, because Lane will make him even more irrelevant on Christmas Eve than he was in week 7. 

I mean let's just go back to that final touchdown drive for the Eagles in that week 7 matchup. It was a 1-score game at the start of the 4th quarter. Jalen Hurts then lead the Eagles down the field on a 13-play, 75-yard drive that ate up 7 and a half minutes of clock resulting in this DeVonta Smith touchdown. 

On that drive Micah Parsons had checks notes an assisted tackle on a Kenny Gainwell 6-yard run, and then made a tackle on AJ Brown after a 22-yard catch. Soooo yeah, congrats to Micah Parsons on loving and understanding the game so much. Really showed on that drive…

Also, let's just talk about the notion of a system quarterback real quick because I don't think Micah Parsons knows what the hell he's talking about here. The clip starts off with Micah asking "is it Hurts, or the team?". Which he brings up a good point. The Eagles are fucking LOADED. Playmakers all over the field. The quarterback, the receivers, the running back, the O-line, the D Ends, the corners, the kicker, the list goes on and on. 

This team isn't a wagon, it's a Lamborghini. But the thing about a Lamborghini is that it goes absolutely nowhere without a driver. It can look great on the outside, but it still isn't doing shit without someone behind the wheel. Someone to press all the right buttons, the put all the right pieces in the right place, to make things actually happen. 

The passing game doesn't open up unless the defense has to fear Jalen Hurts as a runner. 

The running game doesn't open up unless the defense has to fear Jalen Hurts as a passer. 

Is it Jalen Hurts or is it the team around him? Well Von Miller knows a thing about being around great players on great teams, and he knows that it's a little bit of both. Is Jalen Hurts fortunate enough that he gets to drive a Lamborghini of a team? Sure. There are certainly some other quarterbacks out there who don't have that luxury. Driving a bunch of Honda Accords. 

But there are also a bunch of quarterbacks out there who would get behind the wheel of a Lamborghini and they'd crash it immediately. Jalen Hurts has navigated this team to a 12-1 start, and hasn't played a single bad game along the way. 

Really what I think Micah Parsons' donkey-brained mind can't comprehend here is the fact that it's the Most VALUABLE Player award. It doesn't go to the most skilled player in the league. Even if it did, Jalen Hurts would be up in that conversation this year with the progress he's made in the pocket. But to the most VALUABLE. And whether it's system or not, nobody in football is operating their system as a higher efficiency right now than Jalen Hurts has this Eagles team going.  

In closing, Micah Parsons is an idiot. And Jalen Hurts isn't just the MVP of the league, but he's the MVP of the entire city of Philadelphia right now. 

That's my quarterback. 

See ya Christmas Eve. 

@JordieBarstool