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The Browns Defense Failed Them Yet Again As Someone Broke Into Their Stadium And Turfed The Field

CLEVELAND — The field at FirstEnergy Stadium was damaged early Tuesday morning by someone driving around on the Browns’ home field.

It's not clear what type of vehicle was used, but tire treads wind out from the 20-yard line in the shape of a golden spiral, spanning almost the entirety of the western side of the field. Some of the ruts left behind appeared to be significant in some places.

Only the Cleveland Browns. In 2022, with all the madness and violence in the world, how in the hell does someone break into an NFL stadium and turf a field? Because it was against the Cleveland Browns (stadium) defense, thats how. 

Kudos to this culprit for not doing something that could have lasting effects or put anyone in danger. Just a good old fashioned turfing. The kind you used to do to a buddy in high school after you dropped him off. Or maybe to the kid who snitched on you for skipping lunch. Sure, this will cost the Haslams a pretty penny but they're worth about $5 billion. They can afford it.

Turfing someone's lawn is an elite way to show them you're pissed off. The victim walks outside to start their day and is horrified at the sight of shit brown skid marks all over their beautiful their green grass. That had to absolutely chap Jimmy Haslam's ass and I love it. Welcome to how we feel watching your god damn football team, Jimmy. 

Whoever did this circular masterpiece has not been apprehended just yet so let's break down a few possible suspects.

Suspect 1: ESPN Cleveland Radio Host Tony Rizzo

Rizzo has a long track record of nearly having an aneurism on air after long Browns losing streaks. It's why people in Cleveland have loved him for so long. He talks like them. His rants go viral every year or so but none more so than when he threatened to run over fans if they attended the 0-16 parade. 

He has threatened violence with a car before so he is a prime suspect.

By the way, imagine explaining that scenario to someone outside of Cleveland. 

So the team is so bad they are going to throw a parade?


To celebrate going 0-16?


And one of the guys on the team's radio network says he will run over people if they attend?


And people like this guy?!


Welcome to Cleveland, baby!

The motive is obvious and he also has the access. I just question his ability to scale a ten foot metal fence at his age. 

Suspect #2: Ravens Owner Steve Bisciotti

Al Tielemans. Getty Images.

Bisciotti (pictured above with fellow accused criminal Ray Lewis) is big mad at Browns owner Jimmy Haslam. He was an outspoken critic of the fact Haslam gave Deshaun Watson a $240 Million, fully guaranteed contract heading into a season where the Ravens needed to get something done with Lamar Jackson.

In fact, the whole thing has gotten so ugly that Lamar still isn't signed long-term and the NFLPA is alleging collusion between the owners.

I could totally see Bisciotti wanting to get back at Haslam and deciding the pettiest way to do so would be going after his lawn. Old white guys LOVE their lawn so this would be taken as a declaration of war. 

Another thing supporting this theory is the fact the damage was done in the middle of the night. And we all know Baltimore has a history of fucking over Cleveland in the middle of the night. 

Then again, I feel like it's a lot of work to get in a car, drive six hours to Cleveland to turf a lawn, and drive all the way back. And he has made it abundantly clear he doesn't work too hard.

Suspect #3: Baker Mayfield

Giphy Images.

This is the most obvious suspect. He has clear motive and now has plenty of time since he is riding the bench in Carolina. Also, if you look closely in the video, the tracks go about four feet out of bounds which was a calling card of Baker's downfield throws.

The thing that makes me think Baker is innocent here, however, is the fact it is 30 degrees in November. If Baker was the guy who turfed the Browns lawn he would have been shirtless, while ever-so-slightly sagging his pants and there would be tiger droppings all over the place.

Another obstacle, both literally and figuratively, that he would have to overcome is the fence. Baker isn't exactly the tallest dude around and we know that short guys have trouble jumping fences. Even if someone outside would have given him a boost to get in Baker would still be stuck inside like some shitty sequel to those Progressive commercials. 

At home with Baker Mayfield: Felony breaking and entering. 

Suspect #4: Jimmy Haslam

It's genius really. The whole league is mad at him for Watson's contract, the entire fan base is mad at him for another failed season under your ownership, and his wife is presumably mad at him for always using all her self-tanner. So what better way to distract everyone and garner some pity than to damage your own property.

Let's remember Jimmy is allegedly a criminal mastermind, having bilked small trucking businesses out of Millions of dollars in rebate money. Plus, there are reports the damage was done by a golf cart and look at all these damn pictures of Haslam in a golf cart.

Tony Dejak. Shutterstock Images.
Diamond Images. Getty Images.
Diamond Images. Getty Images.

Oops, that last one was a completely different scumbag on a golf cart who happened to be a part of the Browns organization. It's so easy to get them confused.

No matter who did this it is the most Cleveland Browns thing to ever happen. What NFL team has their field defaced like it's rivalry week at a rural high school?! The same one who's play on the field, and drama off of it, mostly closely resembles that of a high school, thats who.