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Bryce Is Back Together With His Ex-Fiance Anddddd He's Hurt Again

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Washington Post - Those rooting for the romance between Nats slugger Bryce Harper and his high-school sweetheart, Kayla Varner, might have reason to cheer.  An Instagram pic of the couple, looking cozy with other Nats’ players and their S.O.s  on an outing during the team’s road trip to L.A. this week will no doubt please the Bryce-Kayla shippers (no really, it’s a word, says the Oxford Dictionary, meaning “supporters of a romantic pairing between two characters”). Harper and Varner’s relationship status has been publicly set at “it’s complicated” for months: they abruptly scrubbed one another from their respective social-media accounts after their planned January wedding was scrapped. But recently Instagrammed evidence of Varner palling around with Nats’ wives had indicated that she hadn’t entirely left the picture. On Tuesday, Heather Zimmerman, the wife of first baseman Ryan Zimmerman, posted a snap of a group of players and their wives (and Harper, with his hand around Varner’s waist) at what seems to be the headquarters of rocket-maker Space X. The company’s headquarters is in Hawthorne, Calif., just down the road from Dodgers Stadium, where the team is playing a series this week.


Ok, let’s talk about it. I’ve known for a while that he was back with his ex-fiance, but I didn’t say anything, but if the Washington Post is going to write about it, my hands are tied. I have to put this in perspective for everyone. I was going to let it play out, see what happened, but now, miraculously one day after bringing her around the other players’ wives and girlfriends, officially re-introducing her as his significant other to the world, he’s hurt. Just like he’s been every other year he’s been with her. What happened this year when we had single Bryce? Oh you know, just 100% healthy, triple crown potential, MVP candidate. The second he got back with her what has happened? 0 HRs in August, and now scratched from tonight’s game. She’s his kryptonite and he can’t stay away. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, I’m saying single Bryce is a better baseball player than wifed up Bryce.

By the way, did I nail it in this blog or what?

A single Bryce Harper is the scariest Bryce Harper. Moon shots are going to be as regular and outrageous as the strange he’s going to tame. We’re talking about a 22 year old (former?) Mormon who is going to get after it. I’m predicting .330, 34 HRs, and 230 vaginas beaten in.

PS: She blocked me on Twitter after that blog. Might have had something to do with the picture with her face crossed out? Sorry I just want to win a World Series, is that so bad? Like somehow I’m the bad guy for seeing this entire thing before it happened? Fuck.

PS: I don’t think I’ll be singing karaoke with him any time soon.