When I fired up my first ever twitch stream this week, I figured it would be a good idea to give people a good reason to tune in. And since I'm not a demon at call of duty or cracked at fortnite, I realized that the only way to get asses in seats was by torturing myself for others enjoyment. Steve-O made a career out of drinking beers through his ass so why can't I? So at that point I decided to make a list. And on that list was benchmarks based on viewers. If I hit the numbers I had to do what was on the list.
Gimp costume, eating a button, and scheduling a colonoscopy. If this list fell into the hands of anyone remotely affiliated with the FBI I would certainly be put on a list. And I already know what you're thinking. 80 viewers is far too low of a number to kamikaze your career by texting Dave that you want a raise while dressed as the gimp. And you're right. 80 was WAY too low. But in my defense I didn't know how many people would show up. And on twitch, getting viewers is like collecting infinity stones. Those mother fuckers are hard to come by. There are millions of poor souls live streaming right now to an audience of 4 with a $5,000 gaming pc under their desk. It's a cold world. So I set the bar low. What I didn't expect was Big Cat bumping the stream in the first 5 minutes sending me to a thousand live viewers. My fate was already sealed before the first TV timeout.
Texting Dave I want a raise was the ultimate future me problem. Like paying taxes. Or
paying off my student loans. I really never thought it was ever going to happen, and if it did, future me would be better, smarter, sexier, and able to handle it. Unfortunately future me and current me was only 45 minutes apart. So not much changed other than my attire. But i'm a man of my word so I had to do it. What I did not expect was him texting me back immediately.
Having to process this response during a live stream while in a gimp suit was more than my CPU could handle. I sat in complete silence for a full minute completely unable to tell if this was a joke, or him telling me to Kirk Minihane Show. Luckily I had my chat. And they pointed out that he clearly thought someone took my phone and texted him as a joke. In retrospect this is obvious. But I ask you to imagine yourself in a latex suit. Now imagine that you text your boss that you want a raise. Then picture a world where your boss texts you back immediately with a line that says "slit your throat" Not so easy now is it.
But once I realized what he meant, I was elated. Him saying "yes" would have been better I guess. But he clearly thinks that I would never ask him something that ludachris over text at 10 pm on a Saturday. So thats a plus. And it was a jokey response. So we are buddies. Pals if you will.
Over all I am ecstatic with how well the streams have been going and it's been a ton of fun. I'll be live tonight doing more silly shit, and reacting to the surviving barstool premier live. Swing by. Say hi to the gimp.