Cleveland Baseball Fans Are Finally Being Released From Shitty Ownership Prison

HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH! The reign of broke ass terror Paul Dolan has had over our beloved Cleveland baseball franchise is finally coming to an end. Not nearly as fast as I would like, but it’s ending and that’s all that matters.

Five to six seasons is a long time to wait to unseat of one of the cheapest sons-of-bitches in sports but if that’s what it takes then fine. Hell, it took most of you reading this five to six years to graduate high school and you’re doing alright.

New minority owner David Blitzer bought into a team that hasn't won a World Series since 1948 and has ownership shares in the Philadelphia 76ers and New Jersey Devils, so I think he might have a kink for tortured sports franchises. The Devils haven’t won a Stanley Cup since 2003 and the 76ers have been dry since 1983 when gas prices were about .90 per gallon.

Speaking of gas, Clem wrote about the gas station manager who “accidentally” set the gas prices at his station to .69 (nice) and lost almost $20k for the owner. That guy isn’t an idiot, he’s a God damn hero. People in his community should be erecting statues in his honor and naming a holiday after him. It should be remembered like the Boston Tea Party except it should be celebrated with gas-guzzling muscle cars and blow jobs.

And while we didn’t get a rogue gas hero like the dude in Clem’s blog, Cleveland got a Billionaire who may finally save our city from the “Dolan’s Discounts” era that we have suffered through for the past two decades. Blitzer is our Batman. A rich dude who uses his status as a weapon to save the common folk from a wave of evil that they cannot defend themselves from. This man is a beacon of light in a shady dark underworld of money and greed…right?

David Blitzer

David Blitzer is the Global Head of Blackstone’s Tactical Opportunities group (Tac Opps), and a member of the firm’s Management Committee. He is also involved in the Tac Opps Investment Committee. Tac Opps is Blackstone’s opportunistic investment business which invests globally across asset classes and industries and seeks to identify and execute on attractive, differentiated investment opportunities.

BLACKSTONE?! GOD DAMNIT!!!

OK, so we have to choose between a board member of one of the most evil corporations in the world or the sleepy cheapskate owner who is afraid to be on camera and only does interviews with newspaper writers after trading away future Hall of Famers?

If this truly is the only choice, then I’m going with the lesser richer of two evils. I can deal with the guy who generates dark money that almost certainly corrupts our democracy, empowers evil politicians, and chokes the life out of American small businesses as long as we don’t have another run of trading away CC Sabathia, Cliff Lee, Carlos Carrasco, Francisco Lindor…you get the idea.

Still, not much is known about how Blitzer operates as an owner. He has been on a spending spree lately though. Earlier this year bought into the MLS team Real Salt Lake, which had the lowest payroll in the league. During his introductory press conference he spoke about his ownership style and what to expect.  

I’m a big believer in empowering excellent people to do their jobs really, really well. And we have excellent people here and that makes things a whole lot easier,” Blitzer said in the introductory news conference he held with Smith and MLS commissioner Don Garber last Thursday. “I invest in businesses for a living, and for my entire career, it’s always been about finding incredible people and letting them do their jobs. That doesn’t mean that you don’t get involved in particularly major decisions. So I think on key decisions, of course Ryan and I are going to be talking amongst ourselves and with our partners and with our management team on those. But on that gritty day-to-day, I let the management teams do their jobs.

Just spend money, that’s all we ask. If he does that AND allows the front office, who is arguably the best in baseball over the last decade, to do what they do then he might end up the best owner in baseball. Lord knows the Jose Ramirezs of the world who take hometown discounts despite being a top 3 player in baseball don’t grow on trees.

In the meantime, let’s hope that influx of cash from his purchase gets funneled back into the team. The Guardians are currently just two games out of first place in the AL Central despite having the third lowest payroll in baseball. If this allows them to become buyers at the deadline it could be huge. The Guardies are the youngest team in the league and with another bat and a bullpen arm could be dangerous come playoff time.

Wilson Contreras would be a hell of an upgrade over Austin Hedges and his .172 batting average. I don’t care how good you are at defense, if you are basically a pitcher batting at the end of the lineup then the team needs to find a suitable upgrade.

The one place we know the team is definitely upgrading is in the ownership suite. Time will tell what kind of owner Blitzer will be but at least he brings a bankroll to the organization we have not seen since the 90’s. So spend away daddy fat pockets.

And speaking of upgrades, you need to upgrade your Guardians wardrobe with this dope ass shirt we just released. It was designed by Youngstown Bob himself and will instantly make you the coolest person at The Corner Bar.