Summer is here and it's officially BBQ season. As a self-proclaimed GrillMaster with communal BBQs in his apartment complex, I decided to have some friends over yesterday for a Memorial Day BBQ. While it seems like a fun, relaxed day on the surface, that was not the case. I have crippling anxiety when it comes to hosting gatherings and am always afraid people will leave thinking "God I fucking hate Tommy and I'm never gonna speak to him again. I hope he fucking dies right now." And I couldn't let that happen. So I decided to lay out a full itinerary for the day to ensure maximum fun for everyone.
I figured I'd share it so that all you guys know how to throw the perfect BBQ this summer.
A late start to the day but we couldn't get a grill reserved until 4 so we had to improvise. And I've always said a great party is all about improvisation. Once people arrived, it was imperative that the ice get broken. We were not yet in the full "mingling" phase, I'd call it the "pre-mingle." I handed out a sheet of paper with suggested small talk lines to get things moving.
"Hey how are you?"
"Great to see you. What's new?"
"Glad you could make it. How have you been?"
With everyone armed with perfect small talk lines, nothing could go wrong.
It was Memorial Day, so I felt it was important to start with the national anthem. Out of respect. Then I turned on my "ultimate" Spotify playlist which was carefully curated through an algorithm to produce maximum enjoyment for each person's individual interests and personalities. As we chowed down on some apps, it was now acceptable to delve into more serious topics if it felt right. Inflation, abortion, gun control, etc. But the most important thing was to keep things LIGHT and keep things FUN!
At 4:45, talking came to a HARD STOP. I had to go back upstairs to get the meats to grill and also use the potty. I have an intense fear of people talking about me when I'm not around, especially when I'm hosting a party and the center of attention so I decided to institute a strict "No Talking" rule. I left a voice recorder on the table and told everyone I'd listen back later. If anyone spoke while I was gone, it would be VERY VERY BAD for them.
I got back with the burgers and hot dogs and let everyone know they were allowed to speak again. Let the fuuuuuuun continue!
The food was ready and it was time to chow down. I tried to make sure the conversation stayed focused on the food and how good it was. Other talk was allowed but strongly, STRONGLY discouraged. Better conversation topics would be: the seasoning, the quality of the meat, the grilling temperature, how handsome I looked whilst grilling etc.
Our BBQ reservation ended at 6 so it was time to wrap up with some post-BBQ discussion. What went right? What went wrong? People could leave some constructive criticism in the "3 to grow on" section, but it would not be a wise decision for their well-being.
It was decision time. Would we keep hanging outside or head up to my balcony? I felt that if we just had an open discussion about things, people would feel peer pressured to go along with the groupthink. I wanted to keep things fair and anonymous. So I bought an urn where everyone could anonymously put their votes and I could then go read them one by one in dramatic fashion similar to how Jeff Probst does it on Survivor.
This is a Rangers household, no "ifs" "ands" or "buts" about it. People unfortunately did not have the option to leave yet and were required to stay and cheer for the Blueshirts. "Let's Go Rangers!" chants and "Goooooallll" chants were strongly encouraged.
The Rangers game went great with a 6-2 victory. We then had a half-hour postgame discussion to break down the x's and o's. The goals. The icings. The offsides. The skating. All that jazz.
People were still NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE. In my experience from hosting parties, when people think they have the option and "free will" to leave, it makes things a lot less fun. They’re often distracted, wondering “what’s happening outside this party?” or "what time should we leave?" Making it clear that they CANNOT leave under ANY circumstances just helps keep everyone focused and ease tensions. You always want a relaxed party. And what better way to relax and have fun than with a marathon of The Smokes Show?!?!
You can binge it yourself here!
Everyone then had to go around in a circle and give me 10 personal, unique, and genuine compliments about the show. If anyone repeated a compliment that was already said, they would be tased.
At 1:00 AM, it was finally time for the best BBQ of all time to come to an end. I got those tracking devices removed in a jiffy and everyone was free to Uber home after having the best day of their lives!
Hope you guys can learn some tips and tricks for party throwing in your future.