Look at that man go. Genuinely - a very fast chug.
Why am I being genuine? Because I’m sick and tired of every shameless showboating dickhead (MEN AND WOMEN) who can chug liquids quickly and make sure to rub their skills in everyone’s faces. The VOCAL MINORITY does not speak for the SILENT MAJORITY. Don’t sit around and make us feel like we have to be able to “just open your throat!” without a real, true fear of drowning or choking? I’ve never been able to chug a day in my life. Every shotgun I’ve done? Still beer in the can at the end when I throw it on the ground. Beer funnels? Sure, maybe a little better because the literal force of gravity pushes it down, but it still feels like some kind of perverted nipple/mothers milk ritual that makes everyone uncomfortable. No surprise they, beer bongs, are still incredibly popular on any Jersey Shore boardwalk, considering the amount of time spent on the shore directly correlates with the severity of your mommy issues.
I’m done getting hyped up over other people having the ability to “drink things fast.” Is it cool? Yea it is. It’s extremely cool because I don’t understand how anyone can do it. But now, I’ve pivoted. I don’t want to see ANY MORE chugging. I’m a broken, shattered woman who needs not be reminded of my shortcomings. There are dozens of us who can’t delete beers. Hundreds who stay dehydrated with a migraine because “chugging a quick water” is too difficult. Many, many of us have gone home with someone they would’ve liked a lot more, if only they could’ve chugged one more quick glass of wine.
I see you.
I hear you.
I feel you.