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I Am Considering Hiring This Guy From My DMs As My Personal Body Guard

I get a lot of wide ranging DM's. My DM's include the following:

- People that have (real) MLB scoops:

- People demanding political figures phone numbers from me as if I would have them for some reason
- People asking me for a job as if I'm not the lowest man on the totem pole at Barstool Sports, Inc.
- People telling me I should get fired because I suck at my job
- People genuinely thanking me for providing them daily content and giving them laughs in our mundane world
- People teaching me to get rich off cryptocurrency by providing them the login info to my Coinbase account
- People calling me a "libtard"
- People calling me a MAGA fascist 

And so on and so forth. Typically I try to respond. Sometimes I don't. Depends on the mood I am that day. Today, this was the DM I received:

Just a guy offering to be my bodyguard. I laughed at the request. It's almost as if this guy doesn't know I'm now the owner of both a .20 gauge shotgun and a machete:

But then I gots to thinkin... which is usually when I get myself into trouble... but there's no way in hell this plan isn't completely full proof. Think about how much ass I'd get if I told chicks at the bar that I had my own personal body guard? Girls would be slipping in a puddles of their own wetness at the thought of it. 

The job description is as follows thus far...

I will hit the guy back when I have a full job description typed out, but here's what I require of my body guards:

- coiled wire going down the back of their ear and neck
- sunglasses at all times regardless of the time of day
- he has to randomly talk bad ass security chatter things into his wrist here and there as if there's a potential threat, even if there's nobody on the other line (perception is reality)
- black suit and less than 7% body fat. Must have been all conference in 2+ sports in high school

There will be more additions and refining, but I feel that this is a good start. If anyone has any more things I need to require of this guy, lmk in the comments below 

Thanks,

- WSD