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Best Of 2021: The Insanity of What's Served For Dinner At Wedding Receptions Has To Stop

It's 2021. The insanity has to stop. 

No, I'm not channeling Clay Travis talking about mask enforcements across the country. I'm talking about the absolute ridiculousness that is the meals we get served at a wedding reception. We live in a world where you can watch eight hours of commercial free NFL football every Sunday in the fall yet we're still served a portion of undercooked chicken covered in some sauce that your younger sibling will 1000% throw a fit about along some bland green beans and flavorless potatoes at a wedding reception? Nonsense. 

Let's break it down. As a guest at a wedding, the crowd is split, not only by bride or groom or partner's side, but by people who actually want to be there, and people who got the invite so feel they have to be there. It goes both ways, too. You think I really wanted my father's-in-law business associate of 18 years to be there on the day I tied the knot? The same amount that he and his wife wanted to spend one of their empty nesting Saturday's in the fall getting dressed up, driving an hour away from where they live to sit in the hot sun, and oh by the way get us a gift and or money for a kid he's only seen through his co-worker's pictures and stories that may or may not have but definitely been stretched over the years. The only tie? Some weird, unspoken issue of "well I have to invite _____" simply out of tradition and refusal to deal with the possibility of an awkward conversation. So on top of that they have to choke down some dry chicken that doesn't even remotely compare to the stuff they pick up from Trader Joe's every other week for much less of the cost and effort. Which, oh by the way, they can't even choke it down with too much wine because - you guessed it! - they still have to drive home from the wedding on the interstate that night. 

It's amazing how much people planning weddings get so damn worked up about the catering for the evening and what they'll serve their guests. Have you ever talked to anybody about a wedding they attended and they said,"Whew, oh man the music was great, the booze was flowing, open bar, but man...i was super underwhelmed by the chicken / fish I circled out of last minute necessity when I forgot to RSVP the day before they were due." 

No. As long as people are having a good time, the music is fun, and the booze is plentiful then nobody gives a flying fuck about the faux fancy meal you served for the bell of the ball. People only talk about the food when it's fucking awesome - so why don't we all make it that way by serving a shit ton of hot, greasy, tasty pizza? 

People won't do it because of some fear that your great aunt or the bitch of your mom's neighborhood friend group will gossip about the "tackiness" of "serving pizza at a wedding my goodness!". Yeah you know what literally everyone else at the wedding will do? Celebrate harder than when they said "you can kiss your bride". 

Let's be honest, this wedding and the reception is putting the family down by at least a few thousand anyways, so why not do it your way instead of faking as if daddy wrote a blank check to have everyone under the facade that they're having dinner at the Disney Castle with fucking Cinderella. Serving 200 people something that everyone will think at worst is awful and at best is "meh" just because of some weird insecurity about being classy would be like inviting Star Wars fans over for movie night and showing The Last Jedi instead of Empire Strikes Back. 

I'm just done with it. A few years ago it felt like it started to become the rage that on the RSVP to weddings the couple would put "a song that will make me run to the dance floor is _______" in hopes that it'd be an engaging way to get friends, family, and people they were forced to invite out there having a good time. I remember the first few times I saw that thinking "oh nice! whenever they play This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan I WILL run to the dance floor". 

Now imagine the thrill you'd feel if the next time you got an RSVP to a wedding instead of "chicken or beef" it said "cheese or pepperoni". 

That would be a fuckin' party.