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Advanced Analytics: 70% Peanut Butter On A PB&J Is Simply Too Much Peanut Butter

I get that the past 18 months have been pretty devastating for the service industry. Chefs all around the world have had to scramble and adapt just to survive. So I truly don't take any joy in saying that this particular team chef should lose his or her job. But...I mean...70% peanut butter? Seventy percent? I just don't understand how you can trust someone who loads up a PB&J with 70% peanut butter like that. At least not on a team with hopes of contending for a championship. 

Now there are very few things in this life that I feel I am expertly-versed in. Honestly there might only be two things--The Mighty Ducks trilogy, and PB&J sandwiches. Two things that I have fully been immersed in my entire life. And as an expert, I can confidently tell you that the golden ratio here is 60/40 peanut butter to jelly. That is for a plethora of reasons, so here comes my dissertation. 

For starters, it really comes down to the integrity of the sandwich. You can't go with a 50/50 split because eventually, you reach a point where the jelly overtakes the bread and now you're dealing with a soggy sando. Obviously there are a few factors at play here. Did you toast the bread? Did you put a little bit of peanut butter on both sides to act as a barrier? Are you using jelly or are you using preserves? (*More on that to follow). There are plenty of factors to consider when determining your jelly percentage, but 99% of the time you can't go wrong with 40%. 

On the flip side, you can't go lower than 40% because eventually you're turning each bite into a cement bomb that is going to glue your mouth shut. Again, some outside factors will play a role in how catastrophic a sub-40 jelly can potentially be. Are you using smooth or chunky peanut butter? Are you using natural peanut butter that is going to be a little looser because the oils have separated? Are you using bread that has some character to it, or white bread that is going to stick to the roof of your mouth like Urban Meyer's hand to a nice rear end? Either way, your best bet is to always strive for 60 unless you've got a fat glass of milk to wash that sucker down with. But I'm not exactly sure how effective gassing a gallon of milk in the middle of a football game would be. 

Like everything in life, there is give and take. If you want to go 63/37, fine. If you want to go 57/43, who am I to judge? But if we're talking about your standard 2 slices of white out of the bag, a healthy spread of creamy Jif and a smear of Smuckers? It's 60/40 on the dot. It's always been 60/40. 

*Preserves are far superior than jelly in every single aspect. There's literally no difference between using jelly or just ripping open a cup of Jell-O and spreading it on a slice of bread. Grow up and get yourself some preserves.