Black Friday Weekend Sale | 20% Off The Entire Barstool Sports StoreSHOP NOW

31 Inedible Things I'd Rather Eat Than Candy Corn

Halloween is probably the coolest holiday we have on the calendar. It's the one day we allow ourselves to have fun, free of most judgements and responsibilities. And it's great across all stages of life. When you're a kid it might be the top holiday. Christmas has presents so it's always hard to compete with that, but a pillowcase full of free candy is a pretty strong contender. College Halloween is, I'd argue, a religious experience. Only God could create such a day (week depending on what school you go to) where morals are jettisoned out the window in favor of good times had by all. Now I'm an adult, I got a mortgage and shit. Halloween is still cool. I've had my candy bowl set up for over a week now, because it's my goddamn house and I don't need much of an excuse to have a bowl of pumpkin shaped Reese's within arm's reach at all hours. 

But with all good things there must be a negative to form a balance within the cosmos. With Christmas there's coal. With Easter there's a pretty gory death, real sick, twisted shit. And with Halloween there's candy corn: a decoration that some people decide to eat for reasons I will never understand. Make no mistake about it - candy corn is an essential staple to the autumn aesthetic. The colors are perfect, a clear glass dish filled of the stuff should be in every household in America. But good lord what are you people doing eating this candle wax? Upsetting doesn't begin to describe how I feel when I find out a close friend or relative enjoys the taste of that garbage. I'd rather learn that they do crack routinely than indulge in candy corn. It makes even less sense when you factor in that Halloween is a holiday completely based around candy and other delicious treats, there's really no excuse to be digging into a bag of these unless you find yourselves under the duress of gunpoint or something as dire. 

In fact, I can easily ramble off 31, completely inedible things I'd rather chomp on than candy corn. Think of it like an advent calendar for the month of October, with one treat you'll inarguably enjoy more than that waste of processed sugar.

  1. The table in which the above photograph was taken. The one from the tweet atop this blog. Yes, that one. 
  2. Glass, a shard any size you'd prefer.
  3. The keyboard I am currently typing on. Well, not currently by the time you read this. Unless you're hovering over my shoulder, which is a different set of problems. Nevertheless. 
  4. The plastic bag candy corn is sold in.
  5. Those styrofoam coolers they sell in the summer.
  6. The "Kars-4-Kids" jingle that is now stuck in your head. I'd apologize but it's not really my fault, blame candy corn.
  7. A rare jewel worth millions of dollars.
  8. A common jewel, near worthless in monetary value.
  9. The hull of the sunken Titanic.
  10. Gilbert Gottfried's voice.
  11. A bag of hair from the end of the day at a local barber shop.
  12. A game-used Paul Pierce headband.
  13. A standard yellow whiffle ball bat and ball.
  14. Both of the poorly constructed homes from the children's story "The Three Little Pigs."
  15. The well constructed home from the children's story "The Three Little Pigs."
  16. Those red metal folding chairs all parents have in a utility closet for when guests come over.
  17. Plastic couch covers grandparents used to keep their couches fresh for some reason.
  18. Literal poison. Arsenic, mercury, any of them.
  19. The black tape from inside a "Rugrats Vacation" VHS
  20. The baseball Randy Johnson used to kill that bird.
  21. The FedEx truck used to pick up and deliver Ryan Braun's failed drug test sample.
  22. A used syringe found on Revere Beach.
  23. The towel Mean Joe Greene threw to that kid in that old school Coca Cola commercial.
  24. Any of the monsters that showed up to the Monster Mash.
  25. The Magic School Bus, which I may or may not have already ingested in my lifetime. It's really impossible to tell.
  26. The cob from a standard ear of corn. Not the corn on said cob, though one could argue that is inedible given that we barely digest it. Just the cob itself. 
  27. A Lenny Kravitz scarf. 
  28. One of the ceramic pots or vases crafted by Patrick Swayze in "Ghost."
  29. One of the many straws located on Trash Island floating out somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, ranging in size anywhere between Texas and Russia, scientists don't know for sure the girth nor magnitude of its scale.
  30. Any of the suits from the 2003 NBA Draft class.
  31. Time. The abstract notion of time. I'd rather spend the rest of my days trying to process the very concept of time and boil it down to an edible, tangible object than ingest another morsel of candied corn ever again.