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Congratulations To Canada, Who No Longer Have To Deal With The Burden Of Being A Hockey Country

Brad Smith/ISI Photos. Getty Images.

Stress is a silent killer. It'll take years off of your life if you're just constantly walking around with it. So imagine how difficult life must have been for Canada knowing that they are the nation which invented ice hockey, yet haven't won a single Stanley Cup since Justin Bieber was born. The stress must have felt insurmountable. Just constantly waking up every morning knowing that you stink at your own national sport, meanwhile there are a bunch of folks in Florida who have never even seen snow before and are now celebrating back-to-back Stanley Cup Championships. 

It's a shame, really. And I feel awful about it because I truly do love all of my Canadian friends. They're a great people. They don't deserve that pain and suffering. But fortunately for our good buddies up North, it appears all that pain and suffering may be coming to an end. Not because they'll be winning a Cup any time soon, but because Canada is officially a women's soccer country now instead of a hockey one. 

For the first time in 20 years, Canada has beat the USWNT. What a moment for those goofy Canuck bastards. And now the burden of being a hockey country which has lost a Stanley Cup Final twice to Tampa Bay, once to a team in Carolina, and another to a team from Anaheim has finally been lifted. Not even to mention the fact that the men's hockey team lost to Germany in the semifinals of the 2018 Olympics and the women's hockey team lost to USA in the gold medal game of the 2018 Olympics. 

But that's all over now. They can officially move on. And I'm genuinely happy for them. Gutted for the USWNT, but their trophy case is full enough for now. Canada needed this win way more than the US did, and nothing gets me going quite like helping out your friends. 

Sidenote: Everybody knows the real Border Wars was going on down south.