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Finally There's A More Thorough Way For Penis-Havers To Wash Our Thicc Cocks

For years, about 34 of them to be exact, I've been looking for ways to get this dastardly dick of mine clean. I've tried everything. I've tried sponges, rags, socks, hands, feet, hair, and squirt guns. I've given it a sudsing with old T-shirts, paper towels, and loofas. Something has always been lacking, though. I don't know if it's the same for yall with uncircumcised joints but it's a legit problem getting that little crater under your dick head, right? I can't be the only one constantly inspecting for dirt and various other nasty things like ticks, fleas, and even unsightly pimples from time to time. Look, pimples happen. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You have a pimply penis. SO WHAT!

Our prayers to the almighty penis god have been answered. You just gotta take this little egg thing, hatch it, wet it, open it just a touch, and slide that thing up and down the ole shaft likes you've done literally billions of times. Talk about dick cleaning incentive, too. Many people who suck dick often complain about the taste because they can be so stinky. Not anymore. I've seen videos on TikTok that suggest the penis, when clean, tastes like avocado. Call that Cockamole. 

It's been a long while since I was excited about the technological advances in the dick hygiene game. Hell, it's probably been since Manscapped launched their lawnmower 4.0 which you can grab with the promo code zbt. A hairless clean cock is a game-changer this summer season. There's no doubt about that. When the whole squad has cocks looking like Dana Carvey in The Master of Disguise as Pistachio Disguisey >>>>

Giphy Images.

Ps: I've only been washing my dick for 34 years by myself. I'm almost 39 but I had help for the first few years because I didn't have the dexterity to do it alone and unsupervised. Some people can wash their own penis before the age of four. I wasn't one of those lucky few. Yes, I'm ashamed of it but I have this platform so I want to normalize needing help washing your penis. I was just a child. I had no idea the levels of dirt involved in my tiny, problematically tiny even, dick. I wash it myself now but I'd be lying if I said this topic wasn't triggering at times. Have a good day, you assholes. It's terrible that I had to write this. I'm devasted. How dare you.