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Watching All 74 Of Pete Alonso's Fuckbombs From Last Night's Home Run Derby Is The Perfect Way To Get Your Day Rolling

Name a more American thing than mindlessly watching a grown ass manchild hit a gaggle of baseballs into orbit while drinking your second coffee of the day. You can't. Everyone may have tuned into the Home Run Derby to see Shotime Ohtani, but it was Polar Bear Pete that stole the goddamn show. Typical Florida Man doing whatever he wants and ruining it for everyone else. I'm pretty sure Rob Manfred is going to ban Pete from ever becoming a Rockie just like people used to ban using Michael Vick in Madden because it was straight up unfair for someone with that type of raw power getting the Coors Field boost in the thin air.

It's also a lot easier to appreciate just how great the pitches Dave Jauss was grooving to Pete on the rewatch knowing that Pete was going to mop the field. Jauss delivered more meatballs in a Mets jersey than Armando Benitez with precision that would make Jacob deGrom blush.

I am not only happy for Pete because he plays for my favorite team, seems like a genuinely good dude, and actually cared about winning the derby. But more than anything, I'm happy that he made more money mashing baseballs for a couple of hours than he has playing hundreds of baseball games.

What a preposterous stat. On the bright side, I'm pretty sure Pete can keep winning this contest until at least his 50s, which ensures the Alonso family will be taken care of regardless of what Pete gets in arbitration and free agency down the road.