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Neighbors Call Police to Stop All the Sexy Noise Coming From the Swingathon Sex Festival

Source - Villagers living in a sleepy UK village which played host to a massive sex festival last weekend complained to police about the noise coming from the event, it has been reported. 

Hundreds of swingers attended a four-day Swingathon sex festival just off the A52, near the villages of Oasby and Aisby in Lincolnshire between Friday, July 2 and Monday, July 5.

Swingers can take part in wet t-shirt competitions, a mobile dungeon, and even have a go on the adult bouncy castles.

The local police force is said to have turned up to investigate the festival following complaints – but said it found no Covid breaches at all.

Maybe you can make a case that I, of all people, shouldn't complain about people complaining about a noisy sex festival. 

When I got married, I spent about a year living in the Irish Rose's 2nd story walk up in the working class section of North Cambridge before moving us out to a woodsy section of a quiet, bucolic suburb. If I didn't mind losing sleep every night to the sounds of debauchery coming from music, wet t-shirt contests, sex dungeons, and adult bouncy castles, I could've moved us just up Mass Ave toward Harvard. 

But at least I can allow for certain kinds of noisy revelry at certain times. I mean, if someone's lighting off fireworks at 3 a.m. on a Monday, we have an issue. If someone's shooting them on 4th of July or New Year's Eve and you're put out about it, that's a you problem. If someone's having a loud Christmas party or a spirited, high volume cookout on a Saturday? More power to them, I say. But if they're running a leaf blower until all hours of the night, someone's getting a knock on the door. 

The point being, there's noise and then there's noise. And that line that should be drawn to make the distinction should be entirely based on how happy the noise is. If a couple as screaming at their kids, that (while totally understandable) is intolerable noise. If that same couple has a bunch of kids playing a loud game of Marco Polo in the pool and that makes you call 911? Congrats. You just earned yourself perfect 10.0s from all the judges in the Asshole Olympics, not them. Same volume. Completely different requirement from you to suck it up and let your neighbors bring some joy into their lives instead of narcing on them. 

Which brings me to the people of Lincolnshire. Is it too much to ask that you put up with a couple of days of boisterous, carefree frivolity? Now, more than at any other time in our history? If these horny weirdos were taking off and landing 767s in your back yard or setting off seismic charges every half hour or so, I'd be on your side. But if the worst they're doing is cranking some music and having Viagra-aided senior citizen orgies in a bouncy castle, is it really too much to ask that you cut them all the slack? 

Think about it. Who has Covid been worse on than these harmless creeps? I was pissed I had to wait in line to go into stores and bars were off limits for a while. But while Home Depot visits are a constant for me and I enjoy a beer out with friends, those are not my lifestyle. Not to the extent that having group sex with below average looking strangers are to these folks. They truly suffered. Their whole life was taken away for 15-plus months. They took a few days to try and get back to their (don't let these quotation marks sound like I'm judging) "normal." The least the people within the sound of the fun can do is be understanding. Pop in some earbuds, turn up the volume of whatever you'd rather be listening to, and let them do their oddball thing. 

Whatever else you might think of swapping bodily fluids with hundreds of crackpot strangers in the final days of a pandemic, you have to at least concede that the sounds of their wrinkly flesh slapping together is the sound of the world healing.