This One Handed Pitcher Is Going To Absolutely Carve Jonny Gomes The FUCK Up At The Barstool Barnburner

Last night, we drafted our teams for the Barstool Barnburner at the Field of Dreams in Dyersville, IA. It should come as a shock to NOBODY AT ALL that Dallas Braden and Jared Carrabis instantly cheated their dicks off by selecting Johnny Gomes with the 2nd overall pick. I mean... that's kinda bullshit, but also to be expected from those two puds. 

But after thinking about it, I don't give a shit because I have access to advanced scouting reports aka Fangraphs. Guess what I found out? That Jonny Gomes can't hit RHP for SHIT!!!

.221 in his career against RHP!!! With an 89 wRC+!!! HA!!! WHAT A BUM!!!! 

So I knew I had to pull out the ultimate neutralizer: a one armed RHP:

All jokes aside, those mechanics are SMOOTH. Fluid, athletic, repeatable, some juice on his fastball, nice and tight slider. That ain't easy with only having one hand. Parker ain't fucking around, as he was a D2 pitcher at Augustana College in SD. That's a solid, solid D2 program. They don't take you if you stink. 

Oh, and some dickhead also broke into his car and stole his prosthetics last year…

…but that didn't stop him from cruising to 27 Ks in 21IP with a 1.93ERA this past season, NBD. Dallas Braden (another bum who's accomplished nothing just like his teammate Gomes) would KILL for those kind of numbers. Jared…. yeah not even gonna talk about Jared lmfao 

So this is what you're gonna do - you're gonna follow the link in the tweet below and you're gonna come watch the game at the Field of Dreams at the end of the month. You're gonna come because you want to see Parker make Gomes look like a FOOL. There will be food trucks, booze, history, you name it. We'll have the ability to do whatever we want with the movie set, the field, the farm, the museum. It's going to be a blast.

Swing on out!!! Open invite - all you need to do is pay $10/car to park. No tickets necessary otherwise.