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Pardon my French but what in the fuck is this? Don’t leave your mark? YOURE FUCKING SKID MARK? Was this gif needed? Quite simply, no it wasn’t.

Look, I’ve had diarrhea for 14 years in a row. I just got my first house with a pool and mow you expect me to say “everyone out of the pool, daddy is still alive and nobody can swim if I’m swimming on account of the diarrhea.” You want me to feel that kind of shame? Shame on you, CDC. 

I’m flat out not going by these instructions nor am I gonna be quizzing other people about their bowel habits. They’d lie anyway.

“Hey Rick. Saw you had Taco Bell last night on your Instagram stories. What’s the status of your asshole? How solid are your stools?”

Rick would just lie any way because he’s a piece of shit. Rick is like most people, though.  Most people are embarrassed of their diarrhea. Take Lamar Jackson for example. Checkmate. Am I supposed to pull down everyone’s pants and look for over-wiping signs like I’m a gooch-centric Ace Ventura? Before getting in my pool, should I say something like

Absolutely not. That would be a human rights violation FYI.

In short, stick to fucking up pandemic messaging, CDC. Me and my intestines full of sour acidic water will be just fine in the deep end because I have nice, big goggles. (Pink eye is a concern)