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Time To Man Up America: The Girl Scouts Are Stuck With 15 Million Boxes Of Unsold Cookies Due To The Stupid Coronavirus

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AP- The Girl Scouts have an unusual problem this year: 15 million boxes of unsold cookies. The 109-year-old organization says the coronavirus — not thinner demand for Thin Mints — is the main culprit. As the pandemic wore into the spring selling season, many troops nixed their traditional cookie booths for safety reasons.

“This is unfortunate, but given this is a girl-driven program and the majority of cookies are sold in-person, it was to be expected,” said Kelly Parisi, a spokeswoman for Girl Scouts of the USA. The impact will be felt by local councils and troops, who depend on the cookie sales to fund programming, travel, camps and other activities. The Girl Scouts normally sell around 200 million boxes of cookies per year, or around $800 million worth.

The council is now encouraging people to buy boxes online through its Hometown Heroes program, which distributes cookies to health care workers, firefighters and others. 

Alright everybody, I know that we took a licking from this motherfucking pandemic. But the country has to keep on ticking, which starts by getting the institutions of America back on its feet. And make no mistake, the Girl Scouts are very much that. Fuck all that apple pie bullshit. Girl Scout Cookies are the new food that is as American as it gets. Everything from the hustle of little kids selling cookies outside of weed dispensaries to adults arguing with complete strangers online about what the best types are. If you think about it, Thin Mints and Samoas are pretty much the stars and stripes of the bakery game.

Which is why getting rid of a measly 15 million boxes of cookies is our patriotic duty. Luckily, if there is anything Americans can do well, it's sucking down a bunch of desserts. Maybe get some 3Chi (promo code PODS for 5% off your order) if you need some assistance. Whatever it takes to help the Girl Scouts, who clearly need us even though my daughter pretty much became the Scarface of Samoas by slinging thousands of boxes of cookies thanks to a couple of tweets from her old man and the undying loyalty of the Stoolies that follow me on Twitter (#Twitterfam). Thanks for helping Siena get some Air Pods, an electric scooter, and a pizza party for her troop.

But the rest of the girls need us to delete 15 million boxes of this world to keep themselves afloat. I could go on and on about this should be our finest hour after making up a chart about how there is a direct correlation between the success of Girl Scout cookie sales and the success of America as a country. However, I think this great man covered everything I would say.

So do what you do America and save the day yet again. Now here is my admittedly dated ranking of Girl Scout cookies from I believe 2016 or so. I'm not sure which of these cookies are still alive or not, however I hope everything outside of the Top 5 are either dead or on life support.

12. Cranberry Citrus Crisps

Nice try, Girl Scouts.  I guarantee this cookie came out when the scouts were trying some new health initiative.  Cranberries suck and citrus is a nice way of saying “orange, lemon, and a bunch of shitty flavors”.  They probably sell these in Mrs. Greens all year round so fat kids have something they can have for dessert.

11. Lemonades

Simply put, fuck you if you like lemon flavored cookies.

10. Savannah Smiles

They named this cookie after a porn star, right?  Anyway, fuck you again if you like lemon flavored cookies.  The powdered sugar and potentially sexual name bumps these up the list, however.

9. Rah-Rah-Raisins

The only time it is acceptable to eat raisins is in cookies.  It is never acceptable to eat Greek yogurt, however.  These made it to #9 because the name is fun to say.

8. Thanks-A-Lot

A pretty boring cookie.  Should be called Go-Fuck-Yourself.

7. Trios

Chocolate chips + peanut butter + oatmeal cookie = Perfect, right?  Almost.  But this is a gluten free cookie, which only enables more people who don’t need to eat gluten-free to do so.  These people are the worst people on planet Earth.  Little known fact: ISIS actually started as a gluten-free support group.

6. Shortbread

As boring as the day is long.  But there is some major nostalgia with shortbreads, since they were probably the first cookie ever created in the history of Earth.  The missionary position of the cookie industry.  

5. Do-si-dos

Oatmeal and peanut butter cookies on their own are heavyweights in the game.  Combined they create this gem.  However, we have all been in that situation where you say “I want the peanut butter cookies” and someone gave you Do-si-dos when you really wanted Tagalongs.  Greek tragedy type stuff.

4. Toffee-tastic

Toffee is the most underrated candy in the game.  You never see anyone eat Heath bars, but whenever you hear someone get toffee cookies or toffee in their ice cream, you tip your cap.  The entire marketing department at Heath bar should be fired for this reason alone.  And don’t complain about getting toffee in your teeth.  Corn in the cob is one of the best parts of summer, and that shit lives in your teeth from Memorial Day until Labor Day.

3. Thin Mints

The Kobe Bryant of Girl Scout cookies.  Both have been around forever and have a ton of fan fare.  But their reputations these days are better than their actual performance.  Putting Thin Mints in the freezer is like Kobe getting his blood doctored in Germany.  It helped for a short time, but they will never be the best again.

2. Tagalongs

These things are the clear #2 and are peanut buttery smooth like Kevin Durant.  But they miss that extra gear to put them over the top.

1. Samoas

Caramel, chocolate, and coconut on a cookie is the complete package.  Samoas are like LeBron James.  They are the best around and any debate trying to prove otherwise is just hating on the king.

Now that I have you salivating over delicious cookies with dated descriptions, buy some cookies and help some kids out. #Somethings.

h/t Kranman