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Just in Time for Summer: Cape Cod is Positively Infested With Great White Sharks

In the former republic of Maskaschusetts, it's all good news all the time. As of last weekend, the restrictions are all gone. The bars and restaurants are back and happiness is on the menu. The stands at the Garden and Fenway are packed. The Bruins are in the 2nd round of the playoffs. the Sox are in contention and among the MLB leaders in most offensive categories. Summer is upon us. And as Mayor Vaughn would put it, "It's a beautiful day, the beaches are open and people are having a wonderful time. Amity, as you know, means 'friendship'." 

And I don't quote the Mayor of Shark City by accident:

Source -  The total number of great white sharks detected along the Cape has ballooned over the last few years as researchers continue to tag more of the apex predators each summer season.

Going back to 2013, there were only 11 individual sharks detected by the Atlantic White Shark Conservancy off the Massachusetts coast, according to archived data from its new white shark logbook.

Then jumping ahead seven years to 2020, the Atlantic White Shark Conservancy detected 118 individual sharks last year.

The total number of recorded shark detections has also climbed at a similar pace during the last decade. There were only 10,803 detections recorded in 2013, compared to 134,631 detections last year. ...

The average length of the 231 tagged sharks is 11.6 feet.

Well that's just swell. Just went you let your guard down and start thinking that maybe, just maybe by some small chance, the universe had pulled a hammy from kicking us in the nads for the last year and a half or so and decided to take a breather so we could enjoy ourselves again? This. The ocean off the Cape is more packed with Great Whites than the bridges are with cars on a Friday afternoon. You can basically walk around the Cape from P-town down to Orleans to Hyannis across the water without getting your feet wet, just hopping from one shark's back to the other like their paving stones. Every week this summer is going to be Shark Week. And anyone stupid enough to go swimming is the star. 

To put it differently: You go in the water. Sharks are in the water. Our sharks. All 118 of them and counting. 

Carcaradon carcharias. A perfect engine, an eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks. And that's all. Well, that and fuck up the best place to be in the summer. The place that brings in the tourists and keeps everyone's businesses on a paying basis. Now we know that opening those beaches is ringing the dinner bell. Because they are attracted to the same kind of splashing and activity that occurs whenever people go in the water. And most people get attacked by sharks in three feet of water about ten feet from the beach. These guys will keep swimming around in a place where the feeding is good until the food supply is gone. It's called "territoriality". It's just a theory that I happen to agree with. And I don't appreciate that these researchers are just going to keep tagging and tracking these and ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites us all in the ass. 

Now that I got that out of my system, all Jaws references aside, this is a nightmare scenario. Go down to any of the National Seashore beaches down there and they are invaded by a metric fuckton of seals, which you never saw as much as 20 years ago. And while to us they're cute - basically the Golden Doodle of the sea - to an apex predator, they're nothing but one big, all-you-can-eat Old Country Buffet. And everyone swimming in the same waters is on the menu with them. 

Hard pass. 

The rest of you can go if you want. I'm going to stay home in the white trash pool this summer, with a drink in one hand and my phone tracking the death total in the other. If you'll allow me one more: For me it's a "Beach Closed" sign. Let Polly do the printing. 

Giphy Images.