Experts Are Predicting A Massive Summer In Chicago For Young Dipshits

CHICAGO — It’s official: Lollapalooza will be back in Chicago this summer.

The giant music festival will return in July in the city’s Grant Park. The festival was canceled last year amid the pandemic. The festival will take place “at near-to or full-capacity” from Thursday, July 29 to Sunday, Aug. 1.

This was making the rounds over the weekend but became official today and is worth circling back on because I want to give credit to a huge portion of the population that people love to overlook and criticize. I'm talking about Young Dipshits. 

Personally that was a huge part of my life and I know just about everyone goes through it. You're young and you're a dipshit. All you want to do is hang out with your friends and be generally worthless other than the pursuit of your own social circle's values. Typically, this means recreational substances and risky sexual behavior otherwise known as an awesome time in life. Anyone who sincerely hates on young dipshits is just stuck in the transitional phase where they're too old to fuck around but not wealthy enough to be a rich asshole. So instead you're just an asshole and you like hating on young dipshits because it makes you feel better about your own loneliness. 

That's why I'm happy Lollapalooza will be back this summer in Chicago. Nobody in the world is talking about the cataclysmic effects this pandemic will bestow upon the young dipshits of today. These kids need to get out and go fuck stuff up without the crushing weight of socially-accepted health standards. They need to get back to worrying about crotch diseases and obscure rashes. When a table of 4 on a Saturday afternoon was a sign of weakness and reservations were for pussies. 

I know and hope those days are coming because truthfully I'm downright terrified if they don't. Nothing sounds worse than progressing an entire year's worth of high school graduates through the system while they harbor profound institutional angst for being robbed of their normalcy. We don't need that kind of motivation and perspective on a generational scale going to college and getting smart. We need these kids blacking out and incurring meaningless student debt to keep the banking and healthcare system stabilized. That's probably worth a different blog but for now let's just agree it's a good thing we can get the young dipshits out of the house this summer. 

Granted it's COMPLETE chaos. 

But deep down that's a good thing. People need a release and for a lot of young dipshits across the Midwest, this is Chicago's flagship event.